Disappointed in Myself 

Here it is almost Easter and I feel like I’m in a deep rut. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I hate the person I see. I feel like I failed my son. Sometimes my mother digs at me and it even feels like she blames everything on me like why my son doesn’t really have a father. He walked out on me pregnant. And played me so many times over the years. He knows my heart hasn’t moved on. And it’s like he’s OK spending time with me but not our son and it makes me feel worse. But it’s completely my fault in her eyes. And how can one’s confidence not crack when their own mother acts like as a parent you’ve failed. 

I was supposed to be at a new job. In a new house me and my son. I’m supposed to be able to take care of him to stand on my own two feet and be responsible. But not finding a job is tearing down at me. I can’t afford the gas to drive 45 minutes one way every day for wages that nobody is offering for the few qualifications I have. 

I know I need help. An antidepressant is probably what I need. I’ve been off them for 5 years but I feel like I’m drowning here. I can’t get help without insurance and the hotel doesn’t offer benefits. And I don’t qualify for state assistance even as a single mom because I live with her. My son’s insurance that child support required his dad to get has a ten grand deductible so it’s useless. I can’t even go into low income housing because I couldn’t afford both the rent and my truck payment on this income because having a reliable vehicle is a luxury. I signed the loan before I ever would have guessed I’d end up moving here for noble but naive reasons. I was stable financially 2 yrs ago and never thought I’d be struggling this hard to survive. 

I feel… Stuck. Driving to work I actually debated if I should stop paying on the truck and have it reposessed and my credit destroyed just so I can afford to take a low wage job since nobody else seems willing to hire me and go find a low income apartment which I fought so hard to get out of 8 years ago never wanting to go back. How low have I sunk that I’m that desperate. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and not be torn down especially for decisions I had no control over my son’s father making over the last 13 years. I try. I don’t argue. I try to be there for him. I don’t push. We do well for about a week at a time and then he just ignores us again. He hasn’t even noticed his child refers to him by name and not Dad and hasn’t even tried texting him in 4 months. 

I need a break. I need my sanity back. 

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