Job Offer 

For those who have been following me, you know I’ve been struggling to find a new job. It’s been rough. For those who might be new long story short: I need a new job full-time days so my son and I can get our own place to live. Finding something that would cover rent and car payments plus actually having a few dollars to buy a few groceries has been a battle. 

Today I  was offered the job I interviewed for last week. I was pretty sure after not hearing back within days I was just out of luck not being considered. Unfortunately they offered less than I was told on my phone interview with human resources but it’s still more than the bare minimum I was willing to accept. 

So I guess tomorrow I give my notice. I hate quitting jobs. I need to provide for my family and I need benefits. I just feel bad about leaving them. I will enjoy having a normal sleep schedule though! 

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My Autism Awareness Thoughts 

It seems Autism Awareness Month has already lost its momentum. I live Autism every day. My son is at one end of the Spectrum and I have friends whose children are at the opposite end and several along the middle. And all of our children are wonderful worthy individuals no matter what society rules of normal is. 

I don’t support Autism Speaks because their employees are getting rich off spouting statistics from families like ours. And then do really very little to help. 

If you really want to make a difference, teach your children about it. Educate them so they don’t grow up to be bullies or look the other way when our kids are picked on for being weird. Teach them to include everyone. Believe me this makes way more difference than some of these charities that pay their ranking employees more than what goes to research and awareness. 

If you want to donate look for local charities that help families in need. Because Autism can get pretty spendy for struggling families. 

And now I shall climb off my soap box.

A Face From The Past

Do you remember me?
I would suppose not,
I’m only a face from the past,
A friend from years ago,
My story is not forgotten
But do you know the truth?
I was that girl who
Shared her best friend’s name,
I was the one
Who moved back and forth,
The last time was different
For I seemed to disappear,
I’m no longer that girl,
She stayed behind as a ghost
Haunting dreams and memories,
When I disappeared
I was nobody,
Now that I’m found
I’ve become somebody,
Do you remember me?
I’m only a face from the past

Disappointed in Myself 

Here it is almost Easter and I feel like I’m in a deep rut. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I hate the person I see. I feel like I failed my son. Sometimes my mother digs at me and it even feels like she blames everything on me like why my son doesn’t really have a father. He walked out on me pregnant. And played me so many times over the years. He knows my heart hasn’t moved on. And it’s like he’s OK spending time with me but not our son and it makes me feel worse. But it’s completely my fault in her eyes. And how can one’s confidence not crack when their own mother acts like as a parent you’ve failed. 

I was supposed to be at a new job. In a new house me and my son. I’m supposed to be able to take care of him to stand on my own two feet and be responsible. But not finding a job is tearing down at me. I can’t afford the gas to drive 45 minutes one way every day for wages that nobody is offering for the few qualifications I have. 

I know I need help. An antidepressant is probably what I need. I’ve been off them for 5 years but I feel like I’m drowning here. I can’t get help without insurance and the hotel doesn’t offer benefits. And I don’t qualify for state assistance even as a single mom because I live with her. My son’s insurance that child support required his dad to get has a ten grand deductible so it’s useless. I can’t even go into low income housing because I couldn’t afford both the rent and my truck payment on this income because having a reliable vehicle is a luxury. I signed the loan before I ever would have guessed I’d end up moving here for noble but naive reasons. I was stable financially 2 yrs ago and never thought I’d be struggling this hard to survive. 

I feel… Stuck. Driving to work I actually debated if I should stop paying on the truck and have it reposessed and my credit destroyed just so I can afford to take a low wage job since nobody else seems willing to hire me and go find a low income apartment which I fought so hard to get out of 8 years ago never wanting to go back. How low have I sunk that I’m that desperate. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and not be torn down especially for decisions I had no control over my son’s father making over the last 13 years. I try. I don’t argue. I try to be there for him. I don’t push. We do well for about a week at a time and then he just ignores us again. He hasn’t even noticed his child refers to him by name and not Dad and hasn’t even tried texting him in 4 months. 

I need a break. I need my sanity back. 

The Great Cycle Challenge

linkcyclechallenge

Rarely do I get a chance to participate in great causes. I have looked at the walks and such done for various causes but either due to my own health limitations or work obligations I have never been able to join. What I loved about this was not only is it for a great cause, because it is, I love that it is on my own schedule. I can participate out on the trails or sitting at home on my stationary bike. It is a way to get my son involved in something good. I feel we need to find ways to give back even if we don’t have money in our pockets we can still take an action to make things better for our fellow man, woman, and in this case child. Actions speak louder than words, so I am hoping in the month of June I will have over a hundred miles of action done to encourage people to contribute and help fight against childhood cancer.

If you are interested in donating towards this cause, please consider donating under my name. You can donate as little or as much as you would like. Every donation be it only five dollars is appreciated because it adds up quickly across the nation. Please click the link to see my page. Any miles I put in between now and June do not count towards the challenge so I am not sure if I will update mileage until it starts, but know I am very serious about this cause.

Remembering Bits of Me

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did. I was looking for a possible old blog of mine and instead I found a different reminder of an old part of myself that I have lost over the years. I found images I had created. I used to be really into digital art. This was before I started focusing all of my being on photography. I remember I always felt like these images while were good, and I loved the creative process, but I felt like they weren’t really good enough. There were way better artists out there. But looking back on them now, the time and vision spent on them blows me away. They are beautiful, and I just didn’t see it then. Who knows maybe I will get back into digital art here soon. I feel like it has been so long I am going to have to relearn everything in the Fractal Art scene, but if I could walk away feeling like I created something, that would be a great hobby to find again. I thought I would share with you a bit of a peak into a lost bit of my soul from a long time ago.

garden_magic_by_hollyelizabethjeangolden_dreams_by_hollyelizabethjeani__d_come_for_you_by_hollyelizabethjeannew_year_cheer_by_hollyelizabethjean

history_by_hollyelizabethjeanthinking_green_by_hollyelizabethjean (1)poison_by_hollyelizabethjeanunborn_by_hollyelizabethjean

The Man Who Used To Be

Maybe its silly that I’m thinking of you,
At a moment like this I remember the bliss,
Then reality comes crashing down
Until there’s nothing left but me and an empty room,
Maybe I’m going crazy
‘Cuz when I look at you,
I think of the man who
Could have – should have been,
Now you’re only the man
Who used to be… my best friend,
Where has this life brought us
We’ve come so far just to lose it all,
I can’t stand aside to watch you throw it all away,
Though it pains me so I’m walking the other way,
Someday you’ll turn to reach for me
And find that I’m no longer there,
One day I just realized I can’t live in this despair,
I’ve wasted years waiting for you,
Perhaps you had no intention of coming back
But yet you wouldn’t let me go,
But now I’m pulling away even if you can’t see,
I waited far too long for a friend who will never be,
If I stay by your side
You’ll drag me down into darkness,
And though I will walk away
I promise I’ll not forget,
For when I close my eyes
Its your face I see,
Someday you’ll turn to reach for me
And find that I’m no longer there,
For you’ve become the man
who used to be…

 

I hadn’t planned on incorporating poetry into this blog, but heck it is my personal blog so really I don’t have to follow any rules. I used to write all the time. I had journals full of poems on every subject. They were my coping mechanism to deal with every emotional from highs to lows.  This one, well it was lingering in my mind so I thought I would share it.