Finding My Voice

Deep inside of me
There is a girl I know,
Yet she is a stranger
All of you will not see,
I find myself screaming out
But unable to find my voice,
I dream in shades of gray
In a world seemingly fantasy,
My name up in lights,
Or a little house painted white,
A life safe and settled
Or wild and carefree,
Anything that I already see
Is the life I dream I can be,
My soul has been held prisoner
To the lack of love of the
One I gave my heart to long ago,
I bite my tongue
And forget my dreams
For a fragile maybe from his lips,
Sometimes he promises
The life I’ve always yearned,
Sometimes he pretends to know
But in truth we are clueless,
I must reach down deep
And find the girl I should have been,
The one who lose her voice
That day she met you,
You and me, we make sense
But I cannot wait around on love
And on dreams that have yet to come through,
I am finding my voice
Shouting out and singing a new song,
I am finding my dream
Wishing on a new star,
I wish you could come with me
As I venture forth to find
The girl I should have been,
But while I am finding my voice
The world we knew has muted
Faded from my heart,
Though I am out there
Finding my voice,
I will always remember you

Behind the Door

A wooden door
Stands before,
Blocking the way in,
Keeping the outside world
Unable to cross the threshold,
This door also
Locks in the cries of anguish,
The light creeps
Through the corners,
Beckoning from a life unknown,
What lays beyond this door
That guards my heart,
What lays beyond the walls
That guard my soul,
What lays beyond this life
That I have lived so long,
A jumble of keys
Surely one must fit,
One step out to feel
The sunshine upon my skin,
One moment to take in
A breath of air fresh,
One step out this door
To a new life

Job Offer 

For those who have been following me, you know I’ve been struggling to find a new job. It’s been rough. For those who might be new long story short: I need a new job full-time days so my son and I can get our own place to live. Finding something that would cover rent and car payments plus actually having a few dollars to buy a few groceries has been a battle. 

Today I  was offered the job I interviewed for last week. I was pretty sure after not hearing back within days I was just out of luck not being considered. Unfortunately they offered less than I was told on my phone interview with human resources but it’s still more than the bare minimum I was willing to accept. 

So I guess tomorrow I give my notice. I hate quitting jobs. I need to provide for my family and I need benefits. I just feel bad about leaving them. I will enjoy having a normal sleep schedule though! 

Unexplainable Blues

I don’t know why, but I am really struggling today. I have had issues with depression off and on for a very long time. As a teenager sometimes I even contemplated suicide. I know what it is like to feel crushed by the darkness of depression.

I haven’t been on medication in over five years now. For a long time I didn’t even feel the need for it, I felt like I was doing so much better. Occasionally I had bad days, usually sparked by something. But after moving up here, while my reasons were noble for moving here, I spent the last year bitter because it was not what I thought I would be getting. So this last year, yea I have had a lot of bad days.

The last few weeks have been rough. With the attempted suicide of a kid in my church, his miraculous recovery, well that was a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t think my body knew how to process. Then it was not getting the job that I really wanted. I mean I really really wanted it. I was so crushed and disappointed. Literally I felt like just a waste of space there at moments. But this last week I was doing really good.

Yesterday I had a great day. I had a free room at the hotel I work at, so I booked a room with a fireplace and whirlpool. Oh and that nice big king sized bed. I took my son swimming for a few hours and then I spent the night with his dad. We are at a weird place. I don’t really know where we stand.  I don’t even know why I invited him to come hang out, I figured he would say no because like I said we are at a weird place, sometimes we are good and then often we just don’t speak. But it was amazing. Not what you are thinking. Crazy us literally sat in the tub together in our swimsuits watching tv. Weird I know. We walked over to get food to take back to our room, and I had already eaten but he still was offering me desert. In our history I don’t think he ever really just offered to get me anything, but usually I don’t give anybody that chance. And financially we have both struggled. We are also both antisocial and don’t like public places so there aren’t many opportunities to pick up the tab for one another. I didn’t want pie after all but we shared a sample platter of beer battered yummies. We stayed up until about 4 am watching tv, talking, drinking a little, and finally had to pass out. He had work in the morning, I had my phone job interview.

I woke up not feeling as great. Its like a cloud was covering up the sun. I just felt off. He left for work because there was no time to wait for me to pack up and get ready to go. I showered and just felt like I needed to come home. I had my phone interview, and then 15 minutes later the local office called to set up my in person interview for tomorrow. They seemed to really like me. Of course I have had great phone interviews before and like before, not get the job. But I can’t shake that foggy sad feeling. I have started crying thinking about the past and ways I acted I wish I could take back. I just feel inadequate. And there is no logical explanation for it. I should be feeling good. Things have the potential to get better for me and my son. If I get this job we get to move out. I get to start up my photography again. I will have the real freedom to have people over to my place again. Not that I am all that social but still it would be nice occasionally. I could start dating. I haven’t been on a real date since my son was a baby. And he turns 13 in a little less than two months. I don’t really know how to be in a genuine healthy relationship. All I know is if you are dating a guy you should be able to have him over to your house, and I’m not even talking about bedroom activities just simply there, without your mother’s approval. Not when you are 31 years old anyways. Geez I sound pretty pathetic right? I guess that is a factor in why it is so easy to feel pretty low about myself. I should feel like I am an adult, capable of taking care of myself and my child. The freedom to make my own decisions on simple things like having a boyfriend over. My son’s dad doesn’t even come over anymore. He talks to my mom at her job and they get along ok. Sometimes he will talk to her when it was me who text him about something like when our pickup broke down. Which is a huge pet peeve of mine. But he doesn’t feel comfortable hanging out here and we have a huge history and we have a kid for goodness sake. But is like he knows that its just not ok showing up and he avoids my place now. Which is not fair to our son. I don’t even think she is intentionally doing it, making this a no visitor zone or has even noticed he stopped coming around a long time ago. He won’t even try to come inside the few times he’s had Michael and brought him home.  He has no issue hanging out with me in front of his own family. He has no shame in front of them who ALL have an opinion and I don’t think they want us back together. Which isn’t even about me being good enough for him, oddly I think it is the other way around they think I deserve better than he has given me and our child.

I don’t know if I just lost hope after the disappointment of not getting the other job. This isn’t a dream gig, but the hours and pay are what I need. Which is the more important part. I just am struggling. I should be so excited because I ROCKED my phone interview, without anxiety. Which is a big deal. So why don’t I feel like I rock? Why does it simply hurt walking around feeling like I am in a void?

I don’t even know if this blog makes sense. I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. Which they are. I shouldn’t even be awake I need to be at my interview in seven hours. That doesn’t give much time to sleep a little and get ready and then work through my anxiety.

I’m not feeling any urge to self harm, or any of that. I am not a mindless zombie. I am able to interact just fine with my son, but I just feel like half the world is missing beyond him. He is my happy at the moment. But where is the rest of it?

Writing Again

I quit writing a few year back after a heartbreaking argument with a relative and the spirit was lost. I was left broken and lost. While I do not know if I will ever publish another book, I have decided to dabble back into some story telling. I have created a blog called Chapter One, which will be filled with basically the first chapter of several stories. I do not know if I will ever expand beyond that first chapter, but at least I will be exploring story telling again.

Please check out the new site at www.chapteronestories.wordpress.com (opens in new tab/window)

Thank you all my loves!

 

The Job Search

I have been looking for jobs. The perfect job. Well basically any job I am capable of doing in the hours I need… Which is a normal business hours day shift M-F. Its not easy there, but I am trying. I ended up turning down a great opportunity at a Animal Hospital. The hours were a bit longer than I would like for me since I am moving out and I have my son to consider. But I figured it all up, even in a cheap apartment after benefits come out, I would literally be left with $50 a month for groceries during months with higher utilities. Not to mention no money for occasional new shoes, jeans for Michael, basic necessities like deodorant. And lets be honest, deodorant should be listed as a bill when you have a almost thirteen year old son.

I have a few leads I am going to pursue here today. It sucks, I have IBS, anxiety, and then trying to provide for my son on my own, it doesn’t open a whole lot of doors. Benefits would sure be nice, if I can even afford to use them. Michael has insurance from his father, and it is a 5,000 dollar deductible. Seriously. So I can’t even afford to use his insurance to take him to the doctor.

I am almost done with things I need for the new house though. I think I am down to a microwave, desk chair, and then a new bed for Michael. Frame and mattress. Oh and the wood for my new weaving loom. Can’t forget that.

I love yarn. Seriously love it. And I have wanted a triangle loom forever. I plan on using it as a stress relief hobby, around my day job and my weekend summer photography services. But who knows maybe by winter I will have it down enough I can start selling shawls and lap blankets on Etsy or something to help bring in a few dollars in. But that is not my priority, I want to weave because I love it.

I will try to post more often, but life gets us busy. This week we finally had our family Christmas party. Michael’s paternal grandmother had a lung transplant almost a year ago. On Michael’s birthday at that! But she hasn’t been doing so well and is staying close to Rochester for her doctors and she needs 24/7 supervision. They went down and got her for the weekend and it was really nice having everyone together again. And then with my crazy work, sleep, and job hunting schedules I have basically forgotten to sit down and write…

A Little Side Note

As I was typing the title, I was about to type A Little Side Salad. I must be hungry. I rarely crave salad. I have become so picky in regards to my ranch dressing and it is the only dressing I can seem to stomach on my salads and I want lots and lots of dressing. Healthy no. Delicious, yes. But that is off topics. As this this entire blog, but hey it is my site, and I can write about anything and everything right?

I changed up the header image. While I loved the moody foggy path that was the image across the top of the blog, I felt like it does not really represent ME. What you may not know dear reader is that I am also a photographer. And I felt like I needed to add my own image on a blog that represents me as an individual. This isn’t a business or niche blog that can be slapped together with generic royalty free images. It is the story of me, so what better to be represented is my own work.

I admit I did toss this together rather quickly. I used the image I had made for my Instagram and it is not a full size/res image. But even with some of the sharpness softened out on the desktop version of my blog, I still like it. I love sea glass. The soft cloudy colors. And how it has been worn down by the crashing waves and abrasive sand. Unlike us, who might get jaded by Life’s assaults, it is softened with the abuse that might come its way, molded into something beautiful.

I am also deeply into black and white photography, so again for my Instagram, I had to do one without color.

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The odds are stacked. Are they for you, or are they against you? I like to think we decide and make our own future, but the truth is the future changes with each wave and breeze. Our plans may come toppling down and need rebuilt.