The Man Who Used To Be

Maybe its silly that I’m thinking of you,
At a moment like this I remember the bliss,
Then reality comes crashing down
Until there’s nothing left but me and an empty room,
Maybe I’m going crazy
‘Cuz when I look at you,
I think of the man who
Could have – should have been,
Now you’re only the man
Who used to be… my best friend,
Where has this life brought us
We’ve come so far just to lose it all,
I can’t stand aside to watch you throw it all away,
Though it pains me so I’m walking the other way,
Someday you’ll turn to reach for me
And find that I’m no longer there,
One day I just realized I can’t live in this despair,
I’ve wasted years waiting for you,
Perhaps you had no intention of coming back
But yet you wouldn’t let me go,
But now I’m pulling away even if you can’t see,
I waited far too long for a friend who will never be,
If I stay by your side
You’ll drag me down into darkness,
And though I will walk away
I promise I’ll not forget,
For when I close my eyes
Its your face I see,
Someday you’ll turn to reach for me
And find that I’m no longer there,
For you’ve become the man
who used to be…

 

I hadn’t planned on incorporating poetry into this blog, but heck it is my personal blog so really I don’t have to follow any rules. I used to write all the time. I had journals full of poems on every subject. They were my coping mechanism to deal with every emotional from highs to lows.  This one, well it was lingering in my mind so I thought I would share it. 

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Odd Fascinations

A few years ago while still living in Oklahoma my mother and I checked out this little antique shop. We had no cash and they didn’t accept plastic so we didn’t buy anything. This old man ran it but I’m not sure if he really understood the real value of what an antique store is. He literally had piles and stacks of goods several over a hundred years old crammed into his store. It was sheer horror thinking about all the lost treasures within those piles. Think hoarder. That’s what this store screamed. Except the things he hoarded and sold were worth significant amounts of cash. He was really missing out by not organizing his store… Anyways I found this weird little plush statue like item and I stood there poking it for about a good five minutes. I was completely enthralled with it. The quality of this unknown creature (I think it was supposed to be a bear) was rather low. I have no idea. I think it was probably at one time a cheap tourist souvenir from one of the Asian or Indonesian countries. 

Now do you understand the weird inclination to poke him? 

My mother went back with cash later to buy some old crocks she found and needless to say decided I needed a unique birthday gift which was that week. And I can honestly say this is the most unique gift possible. 

On my Instagram I edited him with a large heart just for the super sensitive. But I’m too lazy to go find the edited picture now. 

I think he photographed beautifully. I took this after we moved up to Minnesota a year later. It was a big deal because I really had given up photography in the last year before we moved and just the simple act of taking this weird little figure out in the yard and set up this shot was a big deal. It helped bring back something I lost in myself and picking up my camera again has done wonders for my state of mind. 

Waiting on a Call Back

My interview yesterday went great. At least I feel as if it did. I am pretty excited about the thought of this job. Unfortunately, I had it up in  my head that I would be walking away yesterday knowing if I got the job or not. There are a few more interviews I guess and I should know by Friday. Which sucks I hate waiting and am already anxious just 24 hours later. All of the plans we have in works kind of depend on me getting a decent job, and this one is more than decent, it is awesome. Sure the job description may not be glamorous. And people may roll their eyes or make a face when I tell them where I work (or hopefully will be working) but I am all for it. I think it is a great opportunity and it sounds fun. Of course until I actually get the job I won’t be saying what it is. And for my safety I probably won’t be going into all the details. I don’t have a large following here on BGD but one should never get into the practice of just sharing all the details because you never know what creep might be lurking. As a woman, even a larger less than gorgeous one, I need to protect myself.

So be watching this weekend for an update, hopefully it is me doing a little dance singing I GOT THE JOB! Ok so you won’t be subjected to seeing that, but I will be doing it on this side of the computer privately. Oh how I am hopeful. I did my best at the interview and on the basic skills test so now I guess it is all down to me versus the other applicants. The only thing that would be not in my favor is if one of them has telemarketing experience as there is a lot of phone work. Don’t worry I wouldn’t be calling you during supper asking if you are happy with your long distance carrier or current insurance plan. In fact if by some weird chance in the cosmos we would ever speak it would be because you called us.

Wish me luck! This would be what changes our lives for the better. As a mom I am sure hoping on it. For the first time ever this single mom would be self sufficient and independent!

The Face Behind the Blog

I rarely post pictures of myself. One I’m pretty self conscious. Two I really am NOT photogenic. Seriously I look 41 instead of 31 on my driver’s license picture. A third reason, I am usually on the other side of the camera. Which is where I love to be.

But I don’t want to be a totally faceless blogger. So there I am. 

Preparing For My Interview

I apologize, this week has been very emotional and while I wrote about my personal anguish I did not write about what is going on beyond that. 

I had a phone interview on Thursday and am going in here shortly for my face to face and basic skills testing. This job pays $3 more an hour than I’d get on days at the hotel. A dollar more than I get on my nights. Its full time year round. Which right now all the resorts are hiring and that’s about it, so finding a year round gig is a big deal. 

Everything changed this last week. I need to make changes in my life to adjust. I hate leaving the hotel short handed. But I need something more reliable year round. To be able to stand on my own two feet financially. And I need benefits for my son. He has insurance through his father but we can’t even use it until we meet the ten grand deductible. Used to be a lot of policies covered mental health care with little to no deductible. His does not. 

So I’m getting ready to get in the shower and get ready for my interview in two hours. No clue what to wear. My allergies are killing me. My stomach is still queasy from last night’s supper. But I will nail this. I have to.

The Job Search

I have been looking for jobs. The perfect job. Well basically any job I am capable of doing in the hours I need… Which is a normal business hours day shift M-F. Its not easy there, but I am trying. I ended up turning down a great opportunity at a Animal Hospital. The hours were a bit longer than I would like for me since I am moving out and I have my son to consider. But I figured it all up, even in a cheap apartment after benefits come out, I would literally be left with $50 a month for groceries during months with higher utilities. Not to mention no money for occasional new shoes, jeans for Michael, basic necessities like deodorant. And lets be honest, deodorant should be listed as a bill when you have a almost thirteen year old son.

I have a few leads I am going to pursue here today. It sucks, I have IBS, anxiety, and then trying to provide for my son on my own, it doesn’t open a whole lot of doors. Benefits would sure be nice, if I can even afford to use them. Michael has insurance from his father, and it is a 5,000 dollar deductible. Seriously. So I can’t even afford to use his insurance to take him to the doctor.

I am almost done with things I need for the new house though. I think I am down to a microwave, desk chair, and then a new bed for Michael. Frame and mattress. Oh and the wood for my new weaving loom. Can’t forget that.

I love yarn. Seriously love it. And I have wanted a triangle loom forever. I plan on using it as a stress relief hobby, around my day job and my weekend summer photography services. But who knows maybe by winter I will have it down enough I can start selling shawls and lap blankets on Etsy or something to help bring in a few dollars in. But that is not my priority, I want to weave because I love it.

I will try to post more often, but life gets us busy. This week we finally had our family Christmas party. Michael’s paternal grandmother had a lung transplant almost a year ago. On Michael’s birthday at that! But she hasn’t been doing so well and is staying close to Rochester for her doctors and she needs 24/7 supervision. They went down and got her for the weekend and it was really nice having everyone together again. And then with my crazy work, sleep, and job hunting schedules I have basically forgotten to sit down and write…

Rainbow Shops and MissA

OK so it’s actually Rainbow Shops and ShopMissA.  I got my order in from both a week ago.  I’ve been so busy with looking for a new job, getting things ready to move, and sleeping of course, that I forgot to sit down and scribble out a blog. 

A quick review on both companies. Yes they ship in bags with the store name so it’s not discreet.  Rainbow Shops is a clothing/Accessory chain of stores with a pretty awesome website for those of us far from the city.  For us plus size gals, it’s amazing because it’s fashionable clothing and at affordable prices. And affordable to me versus what others say are vastly different.  Affordable to me means a single working mom can still afford to shop here.  Think $5-35 average price range but great clearance sales.  MissA is a cosmetics and accessories online store. They say everything is only a dollar,  but there are a few exceptions.  Brush sets and floating locket chains are exceptions.  They have a huge selection of jewelry. Some nicer than others.  And a large selection of cosmetics.  Now these aren’t discounts on major brands,  these are products that typically sell for a dollar.  But that doesn’t mean it’s all trashable quality.  I can’t speak for every brand.  But what I’ve tried thus far I like.  They also have some fun accessories.  

It’s hard to see everything I got from the two sites but here is my big pile.  Not pictured is a cute little Laundry bag and two infinity scarves. 

I was going to take more pictures but then my mother distracted me wanting to run to town (by town I mean the closest Walmart 45min away) and when I got back I just wanted to rip open stuff and try it on.  Patience is not my virtue.  

Everything fit pretty true to size except one satin camisole.  I’m normally a 2x.  I order 3x because I’m worried about the fit around my chest.  The Camisole might fit a 5x individual. The return policy looks a bit jenky and I think there’s a fee.  So if I’m right from the $8 I’d only get like $2 refunded. I may be wrong if anyone has experience returning to Rainbow online let me know in the comments. 

I’m happy.  I have a few church and interview pieces. I bought new shoes but go figure the shoes at Payless I fell for are yellow and the other pair blue and I mostly bought pink ensembles. Now let’s just hope I find that perfect job!   Meanwhile I think it’s time for a nap as I work overnight tonight at my current job.