So This Is What I’ve Been Up To

Did I mention I suck at blogging. Well the longevity of my blogs are what typically fails.  I love to write, but personal blogs, well sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think who the heck wants to read that dribble.

The end of April has been eventful and dull all the same time. I am sincerely hoping May is my month. SO! What have I been up to? Obviously I am about to tell you <insert laugh>!

I did get the new job. I get to be the person who can’t understand your accent when you call customer service for (that company who decided to hire me). But my official title is a Representative. So I am going to go with that. I am a Rep for Blank Company. I don’t start until the 8th. They pushed my training back because the other person they hired couldn’t start yet. So I am stuck with a week of no employment between my two jobs. But I guess it gives me a week to get turned around to a schedule where I have to get up at 6AM instead of getting ready for bed at that hour. Good right?

I am officially opening my studio on the 1st. Although I guess technically it is not a studio as I am basically working out of my bedroom and whatever location people ask their pictures to be taken. Yep, I am a photographer. I’ve done this before, but things just took a bad turn for me in my personal life so this is my grand ReOpening I guess. I am more invested in it because I plan to try to set down roots here, and before when I lived in Iowa, before Oklahoma, I always had one foot out the door. I was miserable and not vested in sticking around. I tell you, it sucks getting everything all legal and pretty again. Just posting my Doing Business As in the paper costs 4x as much as filing my certificate with the state. Kinda jenky. They need to allow for online legal publications that don’t charge so much. Anyways, I am nervous as heck. I don’t know as many people in the area so I really need to work my tush off to stand out. I don’t expect to get rich. Shoot I doubt I will even break even this year. But that is normal with any new business.

I’m on a new supplement that is supposed to be a cure all. I think maybe it is snake oil in a pretty mint flavor. My anxiety is about normal. I think it is more I have little to fuss over and that is why I am not as anxious. My digestive system is why I started it and I don’t feel any better there. Although I have not had a migraine in the last few weeks, so maybe? I will have a big blog entry about my review of the stuff coming up in a week or so.

Did I mention I found a winning Powerball Ticket and I am going to the Bahamas? Oh wait no that was just a dream. Would be nice huh?

I bought my son a new bike. I don’t know if it is because I just have short legs or if it is because I have not been on a traditional bike in 20 years, but needless to say I could not even pedal. I need to get on it. I couldn’t fit my bike in my SUV so I am buying it this week. I am training for the Great Cycle Challenge so I can raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June, and I want to prove people wrong about me. That I can do things, and this chubby butt of mine CAN do over 100 miles in a month. I can on a stationary bike, so hopefully it is not too hard learning to ride a real bike again.

Well thats me in a nutshell. Theres other things of course but out of respect for others I have to keep mum. But things are getting better in the family and community.

Lots of Love, Holly

Unexplainable Blues

I don’t know why, but I am really struggling today. I have had issues with depression off and on for a very long time. As a teenager sometimes I even contemplated suicide. I know what it is like to feel crushed by the darkness of depression.

I haven’t been on medication in over five years now. For a long time I didn’t even feel the need for it, I felt like I was doing so much better. Occasionally I had bad days, usually sparked by something. But after moving up here, while my reasons were noble for moving here, I spent the last year bitter because it was not what I thought I would be getting. So this last year, yea I have had a lot of bad days.

The last few weeks have been rough. With the attempted suicide of a kid in my church, his miraculous recovery, well that was a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t think my body knew how to process. Then it was not getting the job that I really wanted. I mean I really really wanted it. I was so crushed and disappointed. Literally I felt like just a waste of space there at moments. But this last week I was doing really good.

Yesterday I had a great day. I had a free room at the hotel I work at, so I booked a room with a fireplace and whirlpool. Oh and that nice big king sized bed. I took my son swimming for a few hours and then I spent the night with his dad. We are at a weird place. I don’t really know where we stand.  I don’t even know why I invited him to come hang out, I figured he would say no because like I said we are at a weird place, sometimes we are good and then often we just don’t speak. But it was amazing. Not what you are thinking. Crazy us literally sat in the tub together in our swimsuits watching tv. Weird I know. We walked over to get food to take back to our room, and I had already eaten but he still was offering me desert. In our history I don’t think he ever really just offered to get me anything, but usually I don’t give anybody that chance. And financially we have both struggled. We are also both antisocial and don’t like public places so there aren’t many opportunities to pick up the tab for one another. I didn’t want pie after all but we shared a sample platter of beer battered yummies. We stayed up until about 4 am watching tv, talking, drinking a little, and finally had to pass out. He had work in the morning, I had my phone job interview.

I woke up not feeling as great. Its like a cloud was covering up the sun. I just felt off. He left for work because there was no time to wait for me to pack up and get ready to go. I showered and just felt like I needed to come home. I had my phone interview, and then 15 minutes later the local office called to set up my in person interview for tomorrow. They seemed to really like me. Of course I have had great phone interviews before and like before, not get the job. But I can’t shake that foggy sad feeling. I have started crying thinking about the past and ways I acted I wish I could take back. I just feel inadequate. And there is no logical explanation for it. I should be feeling good. Things have the potential to get better for me and my son. If I get this job we get to move out. I get to start up my photography again. I will have the real freedom to have people over to my place again. Not that I am all that social but still it would be nice occasionally. I could start dating. I haven’t been on a real date since my son was a baby. And he turns 13 in a little less than two months. I don’t really know how to be in a genuine healthy relationship. All I know is if you are dating a guy you should be able to have him over to your house, and I’m not even talking about bedroom activities just simply there, without your mother’s approval. Not when you are 31 years old anyways. Geez I sound pretty pathetic right? I guess that is a factor in why it is so easy to feel pretty low about myself. I should feel like I am an adult, capable of taking care of myself and my child. The freedom to make my own decisions on simple things like having a boyfriend over. My son’s dad doesn’t even come over anymore. He talks to my mom at her job and they get along ok. Sometimes he will talk to her when it was me who text him about something like when our pickup broke down. Which is a huge pet peeve of mine. But he doesn’t feel comfortable hanging out here and we have a huge history and we have a kid for goodness sake. But is like he knows that its just not ok showing up and he avoids my place now. Which is not fair to our son. I don’t even think she is intentionally doing it, making this a no visitor zone or has even noticed he stopped coming around a long time ago. He won’t even try to come inside the few times he’s had Michael and brought him home.  He has no issue hanging out with me in front of his own family. He has no shame in front of them who ALL have an opinion and I don’t think they want us back together. Which isn’t even about me being good enough for him, oddly I think it is the other way around they think I deserve better than he has given me and our child.

I don’t know if I just lost hope after the disappointment of not getting the other job. This isn’t a dream gig, but the hours and pay are what I need. Which is the more important part. I just am struggling. I should be so excited because I ROCKED my phone interview, without anxiety. Which is a big deal. So why don’t I feel like I rock? Why does it simply hurt walking around feeling like I am in a void?

I don’t even know if this blog makes sense. I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. Which they are. I shouldn’t even be awake I need to be at my interview in seven hours. That doesn’t give much time to sleep a little and get ready and then work through my anxiety.

I’m not feeling any urge to self harm, or any of that. I am not a mindless zombie. I am able to interact just fine with my son, but I just feel like half the world is missing beyond him. He is my happy at the moment. But where is the rest of it?

Waiting on a Call Back

My interview yesterday went great. At least I feel as if it did. I am pretty excited about the thought of this job. Unfortunately, I had it up in  my head that I would be walking away yesterday knowing if I got the job or not. There are a few more interviews I guess and I should know by Friday. Which sucks I hate waiting and am already anxious just 24 hours later. All of the plans we have in works kind of depend on me getting a decent job, and this one is more than decent, it is awesome. Sure the job description may not be glamorous. And people may roll their eyes or make a face when I tell them where I work (or hopefully will be working) but I am all for it. I think it is a great opportunity and it sounds fun. Of course until I actually get the job I won’t be saying what it is. And for my safety I probably won’t be going into all the details. I don’t have a large following here on BGD but one should never get into the practice of just sharing all the details because you never know what creep might be lurking. As a woman, even a larger less than gorgeous one, I need to protect myself.

So be watching this weekend for an update, hopefully it is me doing a little dance singing I GOT THE JOB! Ok so you won’t be subjected to seeing that, but I will be doing it on this side of the computer privately. Oh how I am hopeful. I did my best at the interview and on the basic skills test so now I guess it is all down to me versus the other applicants. The only thing that would be not in my favor is if one of them has telemarketing experience as there is a lot of phone work. Don’t worry I wouldn’t be calling you during supper asking if you are happy with your long distance carrier or current insurance plan. In fact if by some weird chance in the cosmos we would ever speak it would be because you called us.

Wish me luck! This would be what changes our lives for the better. As a mom I am sure hoping on it. For the first time ever this single mom would be self sufficient and independent!

The Face Behind the Blog

I rarely post pictures of myself. One I’m pretty self conscious. Two I really am NOT photogenic. Seriously I look 41 instead of 31 on my driver’s license picture. A third reason, I am usually on the other side of the camera. Which is where I love to be.

But I don’t want to be a totally faceless blogger. So there I am. 

Rainbow Shops and MissA

OK so it’s actually Rainbow Shops and ShopMissA.  I got my order in from both a week ago.  I’ve been so busy with looking for a new job, getting things ready to move, and sleeping of course, that I forgot to sit down and scribble out a blog. 

A quick review on both companies. Yes they ship in bags with the store name so it’s not discreet.  Rainbow Shops is a clothing/Accessory chain of stores with a pretty awesome website for those of us far from the city.  For us plus size gals, it’s amazing because it’s fashionable clothing and at affordable prices. And affordable to me versus what others say are vastly different.  Affordable to me means a single working mom can still afford to shop here.  Think $5-35 average price range but great clearance sales.  MissA is a cosmetics and accessories online store. They say everything is only a dollar,  but there are a few exceptions.  Brush sets and floating locket chains are exceptions.  They have a huge selection of jewelry. Some nicer than others.  And a large selection of cosmetics.  Now these aren’t discounts on major brands,  these are products that typically sell for a dollar.  But that doesn’t mean it’s all trashable quality.  I can’t speak for every brand.  But what I’ve tried thus far I like.  They also have some fun accessories.  

It’s hard to see everything I got from the two sites but here is my big pile.  Not pictured is a cute little Laundry bag and two infinity scarves. 

I was going to take more pictures but then my mother distracted me wanting to run to town (by town I mean the closest Walmart 45min away) and when I got back I just wanted to rip open stuff and try it on.  Patience is not my virtue.  

Everything fit pretty true to size except one satin camisole.  I’m normally a 2x.  I order 3x because I’m worried about the fit around my chest.  The Camisole might fit a 5x individual. The return policy looks a bit jenky and I think there’s a fee.  So if I’m right from the $8 I’d only get like $2 refunded. I may be wrong if anyone has experience returning to Rainbow online let me know in the comments. 

I’m happy.  I have a few church and interview pieces. I bought new shoes but go figure the shoes at Payless I fell for are yellow and the other pair blue and I mostly bought pink ensembles. Now let’s just hope I find that perfect job!   Meanwhile I think it’s time for a nap as I work overnight tonight at my current job.  

Goal: Kayaking

I decided last fall that with my tax returns I really want to get my son and I each Kayaks.  We both like spending time in the water but swimming at the beach is getting boring.  Obviously being a single mom expensive watercraft is not exactly in my budget.  Plus I don’t think I’d really be a good person to load up boats onto a trailer by myself. I have issues backing up down driveways and such.  No accidents but still far from straight or coordinated.  And since I’m looking for activities for me and my son to do together since its mostly just us, kayaks fit pretty well into our needs. He has never been on a kayak and I haven’t paddled since I was nearly his age.  But it’d not rocket science and that is what life jackets are for.  

We both need the physical activity.  Badly. I’d love him to end this summer dropping at least 15 pounds.  Heck I’d love to end this summer 15 pounds lighter.  Once I get moved and such I plan on writing about my fitness journey too. Right now alternating day and night shift, the stress of trying to get the move figured out, I would be delusional to think I can start a plan I will stick with.  But it gives me about a month to come up with a well thought out plan of attack. 

Is it weird that I’m already planning for summer on the lake or river in Minnesota in February?  Probably. It’s been so warm but Winter is coming back.  I hear parts of the state are estimating 19 inches of snow this weekend.  Thankfully I’m right to the north of the system.  I got my taxes back and I know if I don’t invest in the kayaks now, then I won’t get them.  I’m really good at blowing through large amounts of money with small impulse buys. I can’t do that.  I need to get my new place, stuff for it, and other big purchases like the kayaks and a new computer so I can start back up my photography. My Chromebook is great but I need my Photoshop. And my desktop blew in a storm thanks to a fault surge protector and my old laptop is about ready to keel over. Photography is important to me and if I don’t get started asap this Spring I might hesitant and second guess myself. Same with this goal, to become a smooth paddler with my son 

I’d already picked out the style.  We are going with sit on instead of in. The models aren’t built for speed but neither are we. I am pretty sure it’s great upper body exercise and time out in the fresh air and sun will be good for our mental health too. 

So be sure to follow in the next few weeks and into this summer when we hit the lake. I’m sure I will have a wobbly amusing adventure to share. 

Howling at the Roof

Squirrels may be cute but they are obnoxious evil creatures. We get a squirrel who crawls between our roofs and scratches around like a possessed demon spawn.  Yes I said roofs. I live in a trailer that was turned into a house.  6inch thick walls were added to the sides.  It was set on a concrete foundation.  And a roof put over the existing.  Weird but it stays nice and warm in these frigid Minnesota winter months. Yes I live in Minnesota.  Not my first choice but this is where my son’s family calls home and I moved for them.
Anyways that stupid squirrel gets in there.  And I swear it knows when I’m trying to sleep.  Sometimes I’m sleeping nights sometimes days. I work nights and I have a horrible sleep schedule turning me around for work and personal needs.  Day or night scratch scratch scratch.  

At first I was able to just bang on my ceiling with a 6 foot shipping tube my photography backdrops ship in.  But eventually it stopped caring.  I’d end up sitting on my bed rocking back and forth nearly in tears in exhaustion.  

Then one day I decided on an odd whim to try scaring it away with predator noises. I looked up wolves howling on YouTube.  Amazingly it works!  Squirrel comes scratching,  I play my wolf track,  it takes off for a day or two and I can’t blame my lack of sleep on it that night.  

The damn squirrels only come in on my end. They could care less about making noises over any of the other beds in the house.  So I enjoy scaring the crap out of the critters.