Dream’s End

Where will I be
When this dream ends?
Will it have come true
Or faded away with time?
Can I hold tight to the vision
When the world turns the other way?
I can only hope when
I reach Dream’s End
All my aspirations will satisfy
No matter the outcome of each fancy,
May the healing waters give me peace,
May all the desires and designs be reborn,
Be it a nightmare or a passion
All dreams must soon come to an end,
Who will I be
When I find myself at Dream’s End?

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The Accident

The moment of panic,
Perhaps one beer too many,
The screech of tires,
A midnight ringing telephone,
A lifetime that flashes
Through so many eyes,
Glass shattered and scattered,
Hearts breaking in the night,
A scream before the end,
A child crying out,
For every drop of blood
A tear falls to match,
Goodbyes now that
Can never be said

So This Is What I’ve Been Up To

Did I mention I suck at blogging. Well the longevity of my blogs are what typically fails.  I love to write, but personal blogs, well sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think who the heck wants to read that dribble.

The end of April has been eventful and dull all the same time. I am sincerely hoping May is my month. SO! What have I been up to? Obviously I am about to tell you <insert laugh>!

I did get the new job. I get to be the person who can’t understand your accent when you call customer service for (that company who decided to hire me). But my official title is a Representative. So I am going to go with that. I am a Rep for Blank Company. I don’t start until the 8th. They pushed my training back because the other person they hired couldn’t start yet. So I am stuck with a week of no employment between my two jobs. But I guess it gives me a week to get turned around to a schedule where I have to get up at 6AM instead of getting ready for bed at that hour. Good right?

I am officially opening my studio on the 1st. Although I guess technically it is not a studio as I am basically working out of my bedroom and whatever location people ask their pictures to be taken. Yep, I am a photographer. I’ve done this before, but things just took a bad turn for me in my personal life so this is my grand ReOpening I guess. I am more invested in it because I plan to try to set down roots here, and before when I lived in Iowa, before Oklahoma, I always had one foot out the door. I was miserable and not vested in sticking around. I tell you, it sucks getting everything all legal and pretty again. Just posting my Doing Business As in the paper costs 4x as much as filing my certificate with the state. Kinda jenky. They need to allow for online legal publications that don’t charge so much. Anyways, I am nervous as heck. I don’t know as many people in the area so I really need to work my tush off to stand out. I don’t expect to get rich. Shoot I doubt I will even break even this year. But that is normal with any new business.

I’m on a new supplement that is supposed to be a cure all. I think maybe it is snake oil in a pretty mint flavor. My anxiety is about normal. I think it is more I have little to fuss over and that is why I am not as anxious. My digestive system is why I started it and I don’t feel any better there. Although I have not had a migraine in the last few weeks, so maybe? I will have a big blog entry about my review of the stuff coming up in a week or so.

Did I mention I found a winning Powerball Ticket and I am going to the Bahamas? Oh wait no that was just a dream. Would be nice huh?

I bought my son a new bike. I don’t know if it is because I just have short legs or if it is because I have not been on a traditional bike in 20 years, but needless to say I could not even pedal. I need to get on it. I couldn’t fit my bike in my SUV so I am buying it this week. I am training for the Great Cycle Challenge so I can raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June, and I want to prove people wrong about me. That I can do things, and this chubby butt of mine CAN do over 100 miles in a month. I can on a stationary bike, so hopefully it is not too hard learning to ride a real bike again.

Well thats me in a nutshell. Theres other things of course but out of respect for others I have to keep mum. But things are getting better in the family and community.

Lots of Love, Holly

Finding My Voice

Deep inside of me
There is a girl I know,
Yet she is a stranger
All of you will not see,
I find myself screaming out
But unable to find my voice,
I dream in shades of gray
In a world seemingly fantasy,
My name up in lights,
Or a little house painted white,
A life safe and settled
Or wild and carefree,
Anything that I already see
Is the life I dream I can be,
My soul has been held prisoner
To the lack of love of the
One I gave my heart to long ago,
I bite my tongue
And forget my dreams
For a fragile maybe from his lips,
Sometimes he promises
The life I’ve always yearned,
Sometimes he pretends to know
But in truth we are clueless,
I must reach down deep
And find the girl I should have been,
The one who lose her voice
That day she met you,
You and me, we make sense
But I cannot wait around on love
And on dreams that have yet to come through,
I am finding my voice
Shouting out and singing a new song,
I am finding my dream
Wishing on a new star,
I wish you could come with me
As I venture forth to find
The girl I should have been,
But while I am finding my voice
The world we knew has muted
Faded from my heart,
Though I am out there
Finding my voice,
I will always remember you

Behind the Door

A wooden door
Stands before,
Blocking the way in,
Keeping the outside world
Unable to cross the threshold,
This door also
Locks in the cries of anguish,
The light creeps
Through the corners,
Beckoning from a life unknown,
What lays beyond this door
That guards my heart,
What lays beyond the walls
That guard my soul,
What lays beyond this life
That I have lived so long,
A jumble of keys
Surely one must fit,
One step out to feel
The sunshine upon my skin,
One moment to take in
A breath of air fresh,
One step out this door
To a new life

I Think My Interview Went Well

I had my interview this morning and I think it went well. They asked me to stay to take a typing test, and do a mock customer service response via chat and email to gauge my capabilities there. And then asked if I wanted to shadow someone in the office for a little while. So that has to be a good sign right? I haven’t heard back, and I am getting anxious. The ladies who interviewed me says that their manager has to look over my interview responses and test results. But I would think if they didn’t like me they wouldn’t have even asked if I wanted to shadow to see if I still liked the job. Maybe it is just my anxiety playing heck on me. It is perfectly reasonable to not hear back for another day or two. I just really need this. And I do feel more confident about the job after my interview. I think I could enjoy this. It fits the needs of my family and would pay the bills.

I am still struggling a bit with the blues today. Not as bad. But being alone is bugging me. I napped on the couch because I was exhausted and simply fell asleep, but I also didn’t want to go to my room and be alone. So now I am sitting here alone feeling like “What now” I guess I should take this time to work on things. I have several pillows to sew up and stuff. I lost the drive to when I didn’t get the first job I went in to interview for. These are pillows that my son and I picked out fabric for our new rooms. We have new bed sets and everything waiting for our new house. Thus far out of 7 pillows I have 2 done, which I did before my interview and rejection email. Or I could actually find my other laptop charger cord so I can process a few photographs I have sitting on my camera for my Instagram. Photography usually helps ground me, but at 2am that really isn’t something I can go out and do.

I guess we wait. I think I will watch a movie or read awhile. Love to all, wish me luck on the job.

It Hurts

I think I have cycled through the 7 stages of grief a few times today. Mostly stopping on anger and shock. I was in the truck and a song that normally brings me a great comfort in general, one of my favorite songs of course, (Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott) well I turned it up hoping for a calming response. Instead I found myself sobbing driving down the highway….

Suicide doesn’t end the pain. Instead it intensifies it, multiplies it, and transfers it onto all of those who love you. And its a pain that lingers on forever because there is no real closure, no answers, and no acceptance that the events were beyond your control.