I don’t know why, but I am really struggling today. I have had issues with depression off and on for a very long time. As a teenager sometimes I even contemplated suicide. I know what it is like to feel crushed by the darkness of depression.
I haven’t been on medication in over five years now. For a long time I didn’t even feel the need for it, I felt like I was doing so much better. Occasionally I had bad days, usually sparked by something. But after moving up here, while my reasons were noble for moving here, I spent the last year bitter because it was not what I thought I would be getting. So this last year, yea I have had a lot of bad days.
The last few weeks have been rough. With the attempted suicide of a kid in my church, his miraculous recovery, well that was a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t think my body knew how to process. Then it was not getting the job that I really wanted. I mean I really really wanted it. I was so crushed and disappointed. Literally I felt like just a waste of space there at moments. But this last week I was doing really good.
Yesterday I had a great day. I had a free room at the hotel I work at, so I booked a room with a fireplace and whirlpool. Oh and that nice big king sized bed. I took my son swimming for a few hours and then I spent the night with his dad. We are at a weird place. I don’t really know where we stand. I don’t even know why I invited him to come hang out, I figured he would say no because like I said we are at a weird place, sometimes we are good and then often we just don’t speak. But it was amazing. Not what you are thinking. Crazy us literally sat in the tub together in our swimsuits watching tv. Weird I know. We walked over to get food to take back to our room, and I had already eaten but he still was offering me desert. In our history I don’t think he ever really just offered to get me anything, but usually I don’t give anybody that chance. And financially we have both struggled. We are also both antisocial and don’t like public places so there aren’t many opportunities to pick up the tab for one another. I didn’t want pie after all but we shared a sample platter of beer battered yummies. We stayed up until about 4 am watching tv, talking, drinking a little, and finally had to pass out. He had work in the morning, I had my phone job interview.
I woke up not feeling as great. Its like a cloud was covering up the sun. I just felt off. He left for work because there was no time to wait for me to pack up and get ready to go. I showered and just felt like I needed to come home. I had my phone interview, and then 15 minutes later the local office called to set up my in person interview for tomorrow. They seemed to really like me. Of course I have had great phone interviews before and like before, not get the job. But I can’t shake that foggy sad feeling. I have started crying thinking about the past and ways I acted I wish I could take back. I just feel inadequate. And there is no logical explanation for it. I should be feeling good. Things have the potential to get better for me and my son. If I get this job we get to move out. I get to start up my photography again. I will have the real freedom to have people over to my place again. Not that I am all that social but still it would be nice occasionally. I could start dating. I haven’t been on a real date since my son was a baby. And he turns 13 in a little less than two months. I don’t really know how to be in a genuine healthy relationship. All I know is if you are dating a guy you should be able to have him over to your house, and I’m not even talking about bedroom activities just simply there, without your mother’s approval. Not when you are 31 years old anyways. Geez I sound pretty pathetic right? I guess that is a factor in why it is so easy to feel pretty low about myself. I should feel like I am an adult, capable of taking care of myself and my child. The freedom to make my own decisions on simple things like having a boyfriend over. My son’s dad doesn’t even come over anymore. He talks to my mom at her job and they get along ok. Sometimes he will talk to her when it was me who text him about something like when our pickup broke down. Which is a huge pet peeve of mine. But he doesn’t feel comfortable hanging out here and we have a huge history and we have a kid for goodness sake. But is like he knows that its just not ok showing up and he avoids my place now. Which is not fair to our son. I don’t even think she is intentionally doing it, making this a no visitor zone or has even noticed he stopped coming around a long time ago. He won’t even try to come inside the few times he’s had Michael and brought him home. He has no issue hanging out with me in front of his own family. He has no shame in front of them who ALL have an opinion and I don’t think they want us back together. Which isn’t even about me being good enough for him, oddly I think it is the other way around they think I deserve better than he has given me and our child.
I don’t know if I just lost hope after the disappointment of not getting the other job. This isn’t a dream gig, but the hours and pay are what I need. Which is the more important part. I just am struggling. I should be so excited because I ROCKED my phone interview, without anxiety. Which is a big deal. So why don’t I feel like I rock? Why does it simply hurt walking around feeling like I am in a void?
I don’t even know if this blog makes sense. I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. Which they are. I shouldn’t even be awake I need to be at my interview in seven hours. That doesn’t give much time to sleep a little and get ready and then work through my anxiety.
I’m not feeling any urge to self harm, or any of that. I am not a mindless zombie. I am able to interact just fine with my son, but I just feel like half the world is missing beyond him. He is my happy at the moment. But where is the rest of it?