Behind the Door

A wooden door
Stands before,
Blocking the way in,
Keeping the outside world
Unable to cross the threshold,
This door also
Locks in the cries of anguish,
The light creeps
Through the corners,
Beckoning from a life unknown,
What lays beyond this door
That guards my heart,
What lays beyond the walls
That guard my soul,
What lays beyond this life
That I have lived so long,
A jumble of keys
Surely one must fit,
One step out to feel
The sunshine upon my skin,
One moment to take in
A breath of air fresh,
One step out this door
To a new life


Job Offer 

For those who have been following me, you know I’ve been struggling to find a new job. It’s been rough. For those who might be new long story short: I need a new job full-time days so my son and I can get our own place to live. Finding something that would cover rent and car payments plus actually having a few dollars to buy a few groceries has been a battle. 

Today I  was offered the job I interviewed for last week. I was pretty sure after not hearing back within days I was just out of luck not being considered. Unfortunately they offered less than I was told on my phone interview with human resources but it’s still more than the bare minimum I was willing to accept. 

So I guess tomorrow I give my notice. I hate quitting jobs. I need to provide for my family and I need benefits. I just feel bad about leaving them. I will enjoy having a normal sleep schedule though! 

Disappointed in Myself 

Here it is almost Easter and I feel like I’m in a deep rut. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I hate the person I see. I feel like I failed my son. Sometimes my mother digs at me and it even feels like she blames everything on me like why my son doesn’t really have a father. He walked out on me pregnant. And played me so many times over the years. He knows my heart hasn’t moved on. And it’s like he’s OK spending time with me but not our son and it makes me feel worse. But it’s completely my fault in her eyes. And how can one’s confidence not crack when their own mother acts like as a parent you’ve failed. 

I was supposed to be at a new job. In a new house me and my son. I’m supposed to be able to take care of him to stand on my own two feet and be responsible. But not finding a job is tearing down at me. I can’t afford the gas to drive 45 minutes one way every day for wages that nobody is offering for the few qualifications I have. 

I know I need help. An antidepressant is probably what I need. I’ve been off them for 5 years but I feel like I’m drowning here. I can’t get help without insurance and the hotel doesn’t offer benefits. And I don’t qualify for state assistance even as a single mom because I live with her. My son’s insurance that child support required his dad to get has a ten grand deductible so it’s useless. I can’t even go into low income housing because I couldn’t afford both the rent and my truck payment on this income because having a reliable vehicle is a luxury. I signed the loan before I ever would have guessed I’d end up moving here for noble but naive reasons. I was stable financially 2 yrs ago and never thought I’d be struggling this hard to survive. 

I feel… Stuck. Driving to work I actually debated if I should stop paying on the truck and have it reposessed and my credit destroyed just so I can afford to take a low wage job since nobody else seems willing to hire me and go find a low income apartment which I fought so hard to get out of 8 years ago never wanting to go back. How low have I sunk that I’m that desperate. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and not be torn down especially for decisions I had no control over my son’s father making over the last 13 years. I try. I don’t argue. I try to be there for him. I don’t push. We do well for about a week at a time and then he just ignores us again. He hasn’t even noticed his child refers to him by name and not Dad and hasn’t even tried texting him in 4 months. 

I need a break. I need my sanity back. 

I Think My Interview Went Well

I had my interview this morning and I think it went well. They asked me to stay to take a typing test, and do a mock customer service response via chat and email to gauge my capabilities there. And then asked if I wanted to shadow someone in the office for a little while. So that has to be a good sign right? I haven’t heard back, and I am getting anxious. The ladies who interviewed me says that their manager has to look over my interview responses and test results. But I would think if they didn’t like me they wouldn’t have even asked if I wanted to shadow to see if I still liked the job. Maybe it is just my anxiety playing heck on me. It is perfectly reasonable to not hear back for another day or two. I just really need this. And I do feel more confident about the job after my interview. I think I could enjoy this. It fits the needs of my family and would pay the bills.

I am still struggling a bit with the blues today. Not as bad. But being alone is bugging me. I napped on the couch because I was exhausted and simply fell asleep, but I also didn’t want to go to my room and be alone. So now I am sitting here alone feeling like “What now” I guess I should take this time to work on things. I have several pillows to sew up and stuff. I lost the drive to when I didn’t get the first job I went in to interview for. These are pillows that my son and I picked out fabric for our new rooms. We have new bed sets and everything waiting for our new house. Thus far out of 7 pillows I have 2 done, which I did before my interview and rejection email. Or I could actually find my other laptop charger cord so I can process a few photographs I have sitting on my camera for my Instagram. Photography usually helps ground me, but at 2am that really isn’t something I can go out and do.

I guess we wait. I think I will watch a movie or read awhile. Love to all, wish me luck on the job.

Unexplainable Blues

I don’t know why, but I am really struggling today. I have had issues with depression off and on for a very long time. As a teenager sometimes I even contemplated suicide. I know what it is like to feel crushed by the darkness of depression.

I haven’t been on medication in over five years now. For a long time I didn’t even feel the need for it, I felt like I was doing so much better. Occasionally I had bad days, usually sparked by something. But after moving up here, while my reasons were noble for moving here, I spent the last year bitter because it was not what I thought I would be getting. So this last year, yea I have had a lot of bad days.

The last few weeks have been rough. With the attempted suicide of a kid in my church, his miraculous recovery, well that was a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t think my body knew how to process. Then it was not getting the job that I really wanted. I mean I really really wanted it. I was so crushed and disappointed. Literally I felt like just a waste of space there at moments. But this last week I was doing really good.

Yesterday I had a great day. I had a free room at the hotel I work at, so I booked a room with a fireplace and whirlpool. Oh and that nice big king sized bed. I took my son swimming for a few hours and then I spent the night with his dad. We are at a weird place. I don’t really know where we stand.  I don’t even know why I invited him to come hang out, I figured he would say no because like I said we are at a weird place, sometimes we are good and then often we just don’t speak. But it was amazing. Not what you are thinking. Crazy us literally sat in the tub together in our swimsuits watching tv. Weird I know. We walked over to get food to take back to our room, and I had already eaten but he still was offering me desert. In our history I don’t think he ever really just offered to get me anything, but usually I don’t give anybody that chance. And financially we have both struggled. We are also both antisocial and don’t like public places so there aren’t many opportunities to pick up the tab for one another. I didn’t want pie after all but we shared a sample platter of beer battered yummies. We stayed up until about 4 am watching tv, talking, drinking a little, and finally had to pass out. He had work in the morning, I had my phone job interview.

I woke up not feeling as great. Its like a cloud was covering up the sun. I just felt off. He left for work because there was no time to wait for me to pack up and get ready to go. I showered and just felt like I needed to come home. I had my phone interview, and then 15 minutes later the local office called to set up my in person interview for tomorrow. They seemed to really like me. Of course I have had great phone interviews before and like before, not get the job. But I can’t shake that foggy sad feeling. I have started crying thinking about the past and ways I acted I wish I could take back. I just feel inadequate. And there is no logical explanation for it. I should be feeling good. Things have the potential to get better for me and my son. If I get this job we get to move out. I get to start up my photography again. I will have the real freedom to have people over to my place again. Not that I am all that social but still it would be nice occasionally. I could start dating. I haven’t been on a real date since my son was a baby. And he turns 13 in a little less than two months. I don’t really know how to be in a genuine healthy relationship. All I know is if you are dating a guy you should be able to have him over to your house, and I’m not even talking about bedroom activities just simply there, without your mother’s approval. Not when you are 31 years old anyways. Geez I sound pretty pathetic right? I guess that is a factor in why it is so easy to feel pretty low about myself. I should feel like I am an adult, capable of taking care of myself and my child. The freedom to make my own decisions on simple things like having a boyfriend over. My son’s dad doesn’t even come over anymore. He talks to my mom at her job and they get along ok. Sometimes he will talk to her when it was me who text him about something like when our pickup broke down. Which is a huge pet peeve of mine. But he doesn’t feel comfortable hanging out here and we have a huge history and we have a kid for goodness sake. But is like he knows that its just not ok showing up and he avoids my place now. Which is not fair to our son. I don’t even think she is intentionally doing it, making this a no visitor zone or has even noticed he stopped coming around a long time ago. He won’t even try to come inside the few times he’s had Michael and brought him home.  He has no issue hanging out with me in front of his own family. He has no shame in front of them who ALL have an opinion and I don’t think they want us back together. Which isn’t even about me being good enough for him, oddly I think it is the other way around they think I deserve better than he has given me and our child.

I don’t know if I just lost hope after the disappointment of not getting the other job. This isn’t a dream gig, but the hours and pay are what I need. Which is the more important part. I just am struggling. I should be so excited because I ROCKED my phone interview, without anxiety. Which is a big deal. So why don’t I feel like I rock? Why does it simply hurt walking around feeling like I am in a void?

I don’t even know if this blog makes sense. I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. Which they are. I shouldn’t even be awake I need to be at my interview in seven hours. That doesn’t give much time to sleep a little and get ready and then work through my anxiety.

I’m not feeling any urge to self harm, or any of that. I am not a mindless zombie. I am able to interact just fine with my son, but I just feel like half the world is missing beyond him. He is my happy at the moment. But where is the rest of it?

Odd Fascinations

A few years ago while still living in Oklahoma my mother and I checked out this little antique shop. We had no cash and they didn’t accept plastic so we didn’t buy anything. This old man ran it but I’m not sure if he really understood the real value of what an antique store is. He literally had piles and stacks of goods several over a hundred years old crammed into his store. It was sheer horror thinking about all the lost treasures within those piles. Think hoarder. That’s what this store screamed. Except the things he hoarded and sold were worth significant amounts of cash. He was really missing out by not organizing his store… Anyways I found this weird little plush statue like item and I stood there poking it for about a good five minutes. I was completely enthralled with it. The quality of this unknown creature (I think it was supposed to be a bear) was rather low. I have no idea. I think it was probably at one time a cheap tourist souvenir from one of the Asian or Indonesian countries. 

Now do you understand the weird inclination to poke him? 

My mother went back with cash later to buy some old crocks she found and needless to say decided I needed a unique birthday gift which was that week. And I can honestly say this is the most unique gift possible. 

On my Instagram I edited him with a large heart just for the super sensitive. But I’m too lazy to go find the edited picture now. 

I think he photographed beautifully. I took this after we moved up to Minnesota a year later. It was a big deal because I really had given up photography in the last year before we moved and just the simple act of taking this weird little figure out in the yard and set up this shot was a big deal. It helped bring back something I lost in myself and picking up my camera again has done wonders for my state of mind. 

Job Results

First off I have a nasty head cold so today sucks already  I came home from work this morning and fell into bed in about the only position possible to breath in. And now my neck and shoulders hurt. I can’t go take a hot bath or shower because the hot water heater busted on us. And then the cream of today. An email telling me I didn’t get the job. 

I’m more than just disappointed. I’m struggling with this. It’s gearing up into tourist season and the only real places hiring are seasonal. I have to find my own place and I can’t do that not knowing if I have a job past September. Low income apartments aren’t even an option because they don’t count my auto loan as a deduction. I signed the loan long before I was asked to move up here and was promised help if I did. That didn’t happen. But I signed the loan having the means to cover it. 

I’m so frustrated. Am I supposed to stop paying it and let it be repossessed and destroy my credit and hopes of ever really getting out of this debt. And I live in a rural community. I need a vehicle to even get a decent job. 

My son is suffering. This place with my mom isn’t big enough for us three. As ashamed as I am to even admit this… He doesn’t even have a real bedroom. We weren’t expecting it to be long term  definitely not 1.5 yrs later. He’s almost 13 and I feel like I’m failing him. 

I don’t know what to do here. I’m looking for a new job but can’t even afford to accept what little is hiring because it wouldn’t cover my rent car payment and put food on the table. 

I could use some prayers. I’ve been crying most the afternoon. I’m sick, exhausted, depressed. There has to be some solution out there. I can’t stay living here much longer.