So This Is What I’ve Been Up To

Did I mention I suck at blogging. Well the longevity of my blogs are what typically fails.  I love to write, but personal blogs, well sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think who the heck wants to read that dribble.

The end of April has been eventful and dull all the same time. I am sincerely hoping May is my month. SO! What have I been up to? Obviously I am about to tell you <insert laugh>!

I did get the new job. I get to be the person who can’t understand your accent when you call customer service for (that company who decided to hire me). But my official title is a Representative. So I am going to go with that. I am a Rep for Blank Company. I don’t start until the 8th. They pushed my training back because the other person they hired couldn’t start yet. So I am stuck with a week of no employment between my two jobs. But I guess it gives me a week to get turned around to a schedule where I have to get up at 6AM instead of getting ready for bed at that hour. Good right?

I am officially opening my studio on the 1st. Although I guess technically it is not a studio as I am basically working out of my bedroom and whatever location people ask their pictures to be taken. Yep, I am a photographer. I’ve done this before, but things just took a bad turn for me in my personal life so this is my grand ReOpening I guess. I am more invested in it because I plan to try to set down roots here, and before when I lived in Iowa, before Oklahoma, I always had one foot out the door. I was miserable and not vested in sticking around. I tell you, it sucks getting everything all legal and pretty again. Just posting my Doing Business As in the paper costs 4x as much as filing my certificate with the state. Kinda jenky. They need to allow for online legal publications that don’t charge so much. Anyways, I am nervous as heck. I don’t know as many people in the area so I really need to work my tush off to stand out. I don’t expect to get rich. Shoot I doubt I will even break even this year. But that is normal with any new business.

I’m on a new supplement that is supposed to be a cure all. I think maybe it is snake oil in a pretty mint flavor. My anxiety is about normal. I think it is more I have little to fuss over and that is why I am not as anxious. My digestive system is why I started it and I don’t feel any better there. Although I have not had a migraine in the last few weeks, so maybe? I will have a big blog entry about my review of the stuff coming up in a week or so.

Did I mention I found a winning Powerball Ticket and I am going to the Bahamas? Oh wait no that was just a dream. Would be nice huh?

I bought my son a new bike. I don’t know if it is because I just have short legs or if it is because I have not been on a traditional bike in 20 years, but needless to say I could not even pedal. I need to get on it. I couldn’t fit my bike in my SUV so I am buying it this week. I am training for the Great Cycle Challenge so I can raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June, and I want to prove people wrong about me. That I can do things, and this chubby butt of mine CAN do over 100 miles in a month. I can on a stationary bike, so hopefully it is not too hard learning to ride a real bike again.

Well thats me in a nutshell. Theres other things of course but out of respect for others I have to keep mum. But things are getting better in the family and community.

Lots of Love, Holly

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Finding My Voice

Deep inside of me
There is a girl I know,
Yet she is a stranger
All of you will not see,
I find myself screaming out
But unable to find my voice,
I dream in shades of gray
In a world seemingly fantasy,
My name up in lights,
Or a little house painted white,
A life safe and settled
Or wild and carefree,
Anything that I already see
Is the life I dream I can be,
My soul has been held prisoner
To the lack of love of the
One I gave my heart to long ago,
I bite my tongue
And forget my dreams
For a fragile maybe from his lips,
Sometimes he promises
The life I’ve always yearned,
Sometimes he pretends to know
But in truth we are clueless,
I must reach down deep
And find the girl I should have been,
The one who lose her voice
That day she met you,
You and me, we make sense
But I cannot wait around on love
And on dreams that have yet to come through,
I am finding my voice
Shouting out and singing a new song,
I am finding my dream
Wishing on a new star,
I wish you could come with me
As I venture forth to find
The girl I should have been,
But while I am finding my voice
The world we knew has muted
Faded from my heart,
Though I am out there
Finding my voice,
I will always remember you

Behind the Door

A wooden door
Stands before,
Blocking the way in,
Keeping the outside world
Unable to cross the threshold,
This door also
Locks in the cries of anguish,
The light creeps
Through the corners,
Beckoning from a life unknown,
What lays beyond this door
That guards my heart,
What lays beyond the walls
That guard my soul,
What lays beyond this life
That I have lived so long,
A jumble of keys
Surely one must fit,
One step out to feel
The sunshine upon my skin,
One moment to take in
A breath of air fresh,
One step out this door
To a new life

I Declare A Miracle 

A life so certain to have been lost to suicide, after final decisions were made and doctors said it was over,  God said otherwise.  This child is awake and responding to commands!! When we woke this morning we were certain we’d be getting funeral information or at least an official announcement it was over. Instead we are sobbing in sheer relief.  There are no words to describe this.  I hope God gave him a heavenly swift kick to the butt.  And that this long journey of physical healing also heals what was broken in his spirit.  There is much that can still go wrong but the fact he woke up when they insisted his heart would stop!  There is much hope to hold onto!! Not only is his life saved for the time being,  it just might have saved the life of a young girl I love very much who was carrying the burden of guilt.

Please there is always help, and asking for help is not admitting defeat.  It’s being courageous! 

It Hurts

I think I have cycled through the 7 stages of grief a few times today. Mostly stopping on anger and shock. I was in the truck and a song that normally brings me a great comfort in general, one of my favorite songs of course, (Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott) well I turned it up hoping for a calming response. Instead I found myself sobbing driving down the highway….

Suicide doesn’t end the pain. Instead it intensifies it, multiplies it, and transfers it onto all of those who love you. And its a pain that lingers on forever because there is no real closure, no answers, and no acceptance that the events were beyond your control.

Writing Again

I quit writing a few year back after a heartbreaking argument with a relative and the spirit was lost. I was left broken and lost. While I do not know if I will ever publish another book, I have decided to dabble back into some story telling. I have created a blog called Chapter One, which will be filled with basically the first chapter of several stories. I do not know if I will ever expand beyond that first chapter, but at least I will be exploring story telling again.

Please check out the new site at www.chapteronestories.wordpress.com (opens in new tab/window)

Thank you all my loves!

 

A Little Side Note

As I was typing the title, I was about to type A Little Side Salad. I must be hungry. I rarely crave salad. I have become so picky in regards to my ranch dressing and it is the only dressing I can seem to stomach on my salads and I want lots and lots of dressing. Healthy no. Delicious, yes. But that is off topics. As this this entire blog, but hey it is my site, and I can write about anything and everything right?

I changed up the header image. While I loved the moody foggy path that was the image across the top of the blog, I felt like it does not really represent ME. What you may not know dear reader is that I am also a photographer. And I felt like I needed to add my own image on a blog that represents me as an individual. This isn’t a business or niche blog that can be slapped together with generic royalty free images. It is the story of me, so what better to be represented is my own work.

I admit I did toss this together rather quickly. I used the image I had made for my Instagram and it is not a full size/res image. But even with some of the sharpness softened out on the desktop version of my blog, I still like it. I love sea glass. The soft cloudy colors. And how it has been worn down by the crashing waves and abrasive sand. Unlike us, who might get jaded by Life’s assaults, it is softened with the abuse that might come its way, molded into something beautiful.

I am also deeply into black and white photography, so again for my Instagram, I had to do one without color.

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The odds are stacked. Are they for you, or are they against you? I like to think we decide and make our own future, but the truth is the future changes with each wave and breeze. Our plans may come toppling down and need rebuilt.