The moment of panic,
Perhaps one beer too many,
The screech of tires,
A midnight ringing telephone,
A lifetime that flashes
Through so many eyes,
Glass shattered and scattered,
Hearts breaking in the night,
A scream before the end,
A child crying out,
For every drop of blood
A tear falls to match,
Goodbyes now that
Can never be said
I think I have cycled through the 7 stages of grief a few times today. Mostly stopping on anger and shock. I was in the truck and a song that normally brings me a great comfort in general, one of my favorite songs of course, (Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott) well I turned it up hoping for a calming response. Instead I found myself sobbing driving down the highway….
Suicide doesn’t end the pain. Instead it intensifies it, multiplies it, and transfers it onto all of those who love you. And its a pain that lingers on forever because there is no real closure, no answers, and no acceptance that the events were beyond your control.
This is such a difficult thing to write about. The sheer horror and loss today is nearly unbearable. In the wee hours a member of my church family, who is also my niece’s boyfriend, shot himself while his parents and older sister were sleeping. He was said to be gone after being life flighted to the cities and in a day or two will be removed from life support to start the process of organ donation.
The anger and pain in these situations never get better. People start blaming themselves. Or start resenting God. We are left broken and hollow. There is no true closure when you never can know the reasons why a child did this. My “niece” will have to live the rest of her life knowing their last words were a fight and every birthday is going to be a reminder now. She should have been celebrating today, not be lost in her grief.
In a day or two things could have been so different. If only he could have held on.. Our church was filled with mournful weeping as it was announced. My “nieces” and their mother are fighting the shock, loss, and guilt feeling like they are to blame. My own child is in shock and unsure how he is supposed to feel.
I’m hurt. And I’m angry. I don’t know if I want to throw a chair through a window or curl up in a ball and weep. This is not supposed to be happening to our children.
Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe what this community is feeling right now.