Finding My Voice

Deep inside of me
There is a girl I know,
Yet she is a stranger
All of you will not see,
I find myself screaming out
But unable to find my voice,
I dream in shades of gray
In a world seemingly fantasy,
My name up in lights,
Or a little house painted white,
A life safe and settled
Or wild and carefree,
Anything that I already see
Is the life I dream I can be,
My soul has been held prisoner
To the lack of love of the
One I gave my heart to long ago,
I bite my tongue
And forget my dreams
For a fragile maybe from his lips,
Sometimes he promises
The life I’ve always yearned,
Sometimes he pretends to know
But in truth we are clueless,
I must reach down deep
And find the girl I should have been,
The one who lose her voice
That day she met you,
You and me, we make sense
But I cannot wait around on love
And on dreams that have yet to come through,
I am finding my voice
Shouting out and singing a new song,
I am finding my dream
Wishing on a new star,
I wish you could come with me
As I venture forth to find
The girl I should have been,
But while I am finding my voice
The world we knew has muted
Faded from my heart,
Though I am out there
Finding my voice,
I will always remember you


Thank You Blue (Power) Ranger

I took my son to see Power Rangers today at the movies. We were the only ones there watching it, which oddly I rather like having a theater to myself. Granted it is a Tuesday and we went to the early show and many parents weren’t off work yet or kids were still at practices and such.

I introduced him to Power Rangers years ago, and he has been a fan ever since. We have not seen all of the series. Lets face it, some were really really stupid and I can’t stand to think of having to watch them with him. But over all the original is my favorite series. Oh and Dino Thunder. Even all grown up Tommy is still one good looking guy.

I really enjoyed the movie. It was changed slightly here and there but was not full of that cheesy dialogue that seems to be the annoying signature Power Rangers thing. The kids were all not full of integrity and such like the original cast. But despite being a little lost they were still good kids. But I think what I liked most was that the Blue Ranger, Billy was actually autistic. They describe him as being on the Spectrum. For me, being the mother of a kid on the Spectrum, while not a little genius, or even really in the same place as Billy. My son understands a little more in the ways of humor and social ques. But Billy was amazing. And it shows these kids that even feeling like they are lacking in the world, really they aren’t and they too can be the hero.

Michael and I both agreed they ruined Alpha though. The new look and his new confident attitude was just not the same loveable Alpha. I mean really, everyone knows his anxious little “aye aye aye” catchphrase. Which was snuck in once but still wasn’t the same. And Goldar. Oh how they ruined him. Spoiler, he is not a Wizard of Oz reject Flying Monkey anymore.

I was afraid they were going to ruin this movie. But I think it was well done and while not true to the original, the remake of the story was great. Gone was the cheesy and it just worked, hopefully bringing the Power Rangers life to a whole new generation. Lets face it, there are a lot of us in our early 30’s who geeked out a little when we heard they were making a new movie. I know I did!

Another Child Lost to Suicide

This is such a difficult thing to write about.  The sheer horror and loss today is nearly unbearable.  In the wee hours a member of my church family, who is also my niece’s boyfriend, shot himself while his parents and older sister were sleeping.  He was said to be gone after being life flighted to the cities and in a day or two will be removed from life support to start the process of organ donation. 

The anger and pain in these situations never get better.  People start blaming themselves.  Or start resenting God.  We are left broken and hollow.  There is no true closure when you never can know the reasons why a child did this.  My “niece” will have to live the rest of her life knowing their last words were a fight and every birthday is going to be a reminder now.  She should have been celebrating today,  not be lost in her grief.  

In a day or two things could have been so different.  If only he could have held on.. Our church was filled with mournful weeping as it was announced.  My “nieces” and their mother are fighting the shock, loss, and guilt feeling like they are to blame. My own child is in shock and unsure how he is supposed to feel.  

I’m hurt.  And I’m angry.  I don’t know if I want to throw a chair through a window or curl up in a ball and weep.  This is not supposed to be happening to our children.  

Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe what this community is feeling right now.