Training For The Great Cycle Challenge 

I bought my first bike in 20 years. I literally have not ridden a traditional bike since I was 11/12. Yes you can do the math I’m 31.5 yrs old. I’m also about a hundred pounds heavier than I was then. I was a tiny little thing. I’m a little old and heavy to be entering a physical challenge but then again that is kind of the point, I am so out of shape that I need to challenge myself physically. 

I am proud to say I’ve made it around our diet driveway without an accident. It was considerably more difficult to pedal across the grass. But my cruiser bike was designed for concrete not off reading. 

I don’t know about doing 10 mile rides like I do on my stationary bike but I am going to work at building up so I can at least get a few miles in each day in June. My goal is 101 miles and I’m riding in memory of a beautiful little girl who cancer took before her 2nd birthday. Hopefully I can raise some money for the Children’s Cancer Fund. 

So This Is What I’ve Been Up To

Did I mention I suck at blogging. Well the longevity of my blogs are what typically fails.  I love to write, but personal blogs, well sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think who the heck wants to read that dribble.

The end of April has been eventful and dull all the same time. I am sincerely hoping May is my month. SO! What have I been up to? Obviously I am about to tell you <insert laugh>!

I did get the new job. I get to be the person who can’t understand your accent when you call customer service for (that company who decided to hire me). But my official title is a Representative. So I am going to go with that. I am a Rep for Blank Company. I don’t start until the 8th. They pushed my training back because the other person they hired couldn’t start yet. So I am stuck with a week of no employment between my two jobs. But I guess it gives me a week to get turned around to a schedule where I have to get up at 6AM instead of getting ready for bed at that hour. Good right?

I am officially opening my studio on the 1st. Although I guess technically it is not a studio as I am basically working out of my bedroom and whatever location people ask their pictures to be taken. Yep, I am a photographer. I’ve done this before, but things just took a bad turn for me in my personal life so this is my grand ReOpening I guess. I am more invested in it because I plan to try to set down roots here, and before when I lived in Iowa, before Oklahoma, I always had one foot out the door. I was miserable and not vested in sticking around. I tell you, it sucks getting everything all legal and pretty again. Just posting my Doing Business As in the paper costs 4x as much as filing my certificate with the state. Kinda jenky. They need to allow for online legal publications that don’t charge so much. Anyways, I am nervous as heck. I don’t know as many people in the area so I really need to work my tush off to stand out. I don’t expect to get rich. Shoot I doubt I will even break even this year. But that is normal with any new business.

I’m on a new supplement that is supposed to be a cure all. I think maybe it is snake oil in a pretty mint flavor. My anxiety is about normal. I think it is more I have little to fuss over and that is why I am not as anxious. My digestive system is why I started it and I don’t feel any better there. Although I have not had a migraine in the last few weeks, so maybe? I will have a big blog entry about my review of the stuff coming up in a week or so.

Did I mention I found a winning Powerball Ticket and I am going to the Bahamas? Oh wait no that was just a dream. Would be nice huh?

I bought my son a new bike. I don’t know if it is because I just have short legs or if it is because I have not been on a traditional bike in 20 years, but needless to say I could not even pedal. I need to get on it. I couldn’t fit my bike in my SUV so I am buying it this week. I am training for the Great Cycle Challenge so I can raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June, and I want to prove people wrong about me. That I can do things, and this chubby butt of mine CAN do over 100 miles in a month. I can on a stationary bike, so hopefully it is not too hard learning to ride a real bike again.

Well thats me in a nutshell. Theres other things of course but out of respect for others I have to keep mum. But things are getting better in the family and community.

Lots of Love, Holly

Behind the Door

A wooden door
Stands before,
Blocking the way in,
Keeping the outside world
Unable to cross the threshold,
This door also
Locks in the cries of anguish,
The light creeps
Through the corners,
Beckoning from a life unknown,
What lays beyond this door
That guards my heart,
What lays beyond the walls
That guard my soul,
What lays beyond this life
That I have lived so long,
A jumble of keys
Surely one must fit,
One step out to feel
The sunshine upon my skin,
One moment to take in
A breath of air fresh,
One step out this door
To a new life

Training For June

I hopped on my stationary bike yesterday and plugged out 10 miles. Go me. But I’m feeling it in my knee today. I’m riding to raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June and I want to be able to chug out some mileage. Prove people wrong that this chunky butt can do 100+ miles in a month. Of course there’s a difference with stationary and traditional bikes. I can’t coast any or the mileage on my stationary and gravity and terrain is a force to ride against on the traditional. 

But I’m going to do this. Surprise a few ppl on the way. Hopefully lose a few pounds too. 

Unfortunately I have to go to work here soon and babysit a new girl who really should have been able to work solo by now. So being on my feet doesn’t sound appealing but I will get through. 

Job Offer 

For those who have been following me, you know I’ve been struggling to find a new job. It’s been rough. For those who might be new long story short: I need a new job full-time days so my son and I can get our own place to live. Finding something that would cover rent and car payments plus actually having a few dollars to buy a few groceries has been a battle. 

Today I  was offered the job I interviewed for last week. I was pretty sure after not hearing back within days I was just out of luck not being considered. Unfortunately they offered less than I was told on my phone interview with human resources but it’s still more than the bare minimum I was willing to accept. 

So I guess tomorrow I give my notice. I hate quitting jobs. I need to provide for my family and I need benefits. I just feel bad about leaving them. I will enjoy having a normal sleep schedule though! 

Disappointed in Myself 

Here it is almost Easter and I feel like I’m in a deep rut. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I hate the person I see. I feel like I failed my son. Sometimes my mother digs at me and it even feels like she blames everything on me like why my son doesn’t really have a father. He walked out on me pregnant. And played me so many times over the years. He knows my heart hasn’t moved on. And it’s like he’s OK spending time with me but not our son and it makes me feel worse. But it’s completely my fault in her eyes. And how can one’s confidence not crack when their own mother acts like as a parent you’ve failed. 

I was supposed to be at a new job. In a new house me and my son. I’m supposed to be able to take care of him to stand on my own two feet and be responsible. But not finding a job is tearing down at me. I can’t afford the gas to drive 45 minutes one way every day for wages that nobody is offering for the few qualifications I have. 

I know I need help. An antidepressant is probably what I need. I’ve been off them for 5 years but I feel like I’m drowning here. I can’t get help without insurance and the hotel doesn’t offer benefits. And I don’t qualify for state assistance even as a single mom because I live with her. My son’s insurance that child support required his dad to get has a ten grand deductible so it’s useless. I can’t even go into low income housing because I couldn’t afford both the rent and my truck payment on this income because having a reliable vehicle is a luxury. I signed the loan before I ever would have guessed I’d end up moving here for noble but naive reasons. I was stable financially 2 yrs ago and never thought I’d be struggling this hard to survive. 

I feel… Stuck. Driving to work I actually debated if I should stop paying on the truck and have it reposessed and my credit destroyed just so I can afford to take a low wage job since nobody else seems willing to hire me and go find a low income apartment which I fought so hard to get out of 8 years ago never wanting to go back. How low have I sunk that I’m that desperate. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and not be torn down especially for decisions I had no control over my son’s father making over the last 13 years. I try. I don’t argue. I try to be there for him. I don’t push. We do well for about a week at a time and then he just ignores us again. He hasn’t even noticed his child refers to him by name and not Dad and hasn’t even tried texting him in 4 months. 

I need a break. I need my sanity back. 

The Great Cycle Challenge

linkcyclechallenge

Rarely do I get a chance to participate in great causes. I have looked at the walks and such done for various causes but either due to my own health limitations or work obligations I have never been able to join. What I loved about this was not only is it for a great cause, because it is, I love that it is on my own schedule. I can participate out on the trails or sitting at home on my stationary bike. It is a way to get my son involved in something good. I feel we need to find ways to give back even if we don’t have money in our pockets we can still take an action to make things better for our fellow man, woman, and in this case child. Actions speak louder than words, so I am hoping in the month of June I will have over a hundred miles of action done to encourage people to contribute and help fight against childhood cancer.

If you are interested in donating towards this cause, please consider donating under my name. You can donate as little or as much as you would like. Every donation be it only five dollars is appreciated because it adds up quickly across the nation. Please click the link to see my page. Any miles I put in between now and June do not count towards the challenge so I am not sure if I will update mileage until it starts, but know I am very serious about this cause.