Finding My Voice

Deep inside of me
There is a girl I know,
Yet she is a stranger
All of you will not see,
I find myself screaming out
But unable to find my voice,
I dream in shades of gray
In a world seemingly fantasy,
My name up in lights,
Or a little house painted white,
A life safe and settled
Or wild and carefree,
Anything that I already see
Is the life I dream I can be,
My soul has been held prisoner
To the lack of love of the
One I gave my heart to long ago,
I bite my tongue
And forget my dreams
For a fragile maybe from his lips,
Sometimes he promises
The life I’ve always yearned,
Sometimes he pretends to know
But in truth we are clueless,
I must reach down deep
And find the girl I should have been,
The one who lose her voice
That day she met you,
You and me, we make sense
But I cannot wait around on love
And on dreams that have yet to come through,
I am finding my voice
Shouting out and singing a new song,
I am finding my dream
Wishing on a new star,
I wish you could come with me
As I venture forth to find
The girl I should have been,
But while I am finding my voice
The world we knew has muted
Faded from my heart,
Though I am out there
Finding my voice,
I will always remember you

My Magic Water Bottle

I am horrible about water bottles. I get hooked on a cute bottle. I go crazy carrying it everywhere. For about two weeks I am practically bouncing like a water balloon from all the consumption of fluids… I am just as bad with drink cups and thermos type cups. Even though I really don’t consume hot drinks. I am a no coffee zone. So occasionally a special tea or hot cocoa.

Well the magic water bottle of the week is this little 16 ounce bottle I caught sight of by accident at WalMart the other day. It is pink transluscent and said Reach for the Stars. Starts are kind of my thing. Really anything night related. I love the moon and starts. Yup… It was only 88 cents. So needless to say it is my newest addition to my collection that will probably be lost in a month. Most likely to be lost in the back seat of my car. But I am trying for now. It inspires me. It is nothing special yet totally awesome at the same time. Not even a week in and the letters are starting to scratch off.

I’ve ready blogs and articles that all say having the right bottle can make a difference. If you have an emotional attachment to your water bottle you are more likely to use it. I believe it is true to a point. Except for us really lazy folks.

I dehydrate easily, so one would think I would be better at getting my fluids. I’m not. But I try. I used to be really good. I would track it all on my Spark People logs. Spark People is kind of like Weight Watchers but only better in my opinion. Its free and full of amazing resources and support groups. Only when I lost home internet I found it too difficult to keep up with the subpar app. But the website is amazeballs.

I found a pretty cool app, I think it used to be called Where’s My Water. But now is called something Water Drink Reminder. I love the visual just tap the size of drink and go. I customize so my little 16 ounce bottle is there. I turned off the reminders because I work nights and even selecting my sleep schedule it warned me there would be notifications during those hours. I like that it factors in your weight and activity level in your needed water intake.  I guess I need 112 ounces a lazy day. And if it is hot or I am active then I can tick those boxes and it will add how much more I need. I didn’t even know bigger people needed more water. I guess it should have been a no brainer.

There are dozens of water apps and many fitness food trackers also have them, so I’m not trying to sell this one. I just think it is cool for my needs. I was inspired by a cheap little water bottle to try to work on at least one part of my health, my daily hydration. And since the bottle is only 16 ounces, it is small enough I am not feeling overwhelmed to be constantly chugging down fluids. I count any calorie free drink, like Crystal Light or Sparkling Ice. Not straight up calorie free soda though, like Coke Zero. And of course water, that counts as a no brainer. I can say just since I started typing this I have already finished half of the bottle. YAY. Except now I have to pee… I suspect I will be reminded often with the new increased fluid intake that I have the bladder of a toddler. Better not plan on any road trips for the next week as I adjust. Now perhaps we should plan a check in lets say a month from now and show my progress of keeping hydrated. Can I count on ya’ll to hold me accountable? I know I am still just a new blog, but I hope I can build up a little following that will interact and encourage me through my ramblings and various posts.

Love, Holly

A Little Side Note

As I was typing the title, I was about to type A Little Side Salad. I must be hungry. I rarely crave salad. I have become so picky in regards to my ranch dressing and it is the only dressing I can seem to stomach on my salads and I want lots and lots of dressing. Healthy no. Delicious, yes. But that is off topics. As this this entire blog, but hey it is my site, and I can write about anything and everything right?

I changed up the header image. While I loved the moody foggy path that was the image across the top of the blog, I felt like it does not really represent ME. What you may not know dear reader is that I am also a photographer. And I felt like I needed to add my own image on a blog that represents me as an individual. This isn’t a business or niche blog that can be slapped together with generic royalty free images. It is the story of me, so what better to be represented is my own work.

I admit I did toss this together rather quickly. I used the image I had made for my Instagram and it is not a full size/res image. But even with some of the sharpness softened out on the desktop version of my blog, I still like it. I love sea glass. The soft cloudy colors. And how it has been worn down by the crashing waves and abrasive sand. Unlike us, who might get jaded by Life’s assaults, it is softened with the abuse that might come its way, molded into something beautiful.

I am also deeply into black and white photography, so again for my Instagram, I had to do one without color.

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The odds are stacked. Are they for you, or are they against you? I like to think we decide and make our own future, but the truth is the future changes with each wave and breeze. Our plans may come toppling down and need rebuilt.

Insecurity: Childhood Origins

I’ve struggled with this post for some time. I have wanted to write it out for a very long time, and thought about posting it on a previous blog I used to write. Its not a easy subject for me, especially since I know it can ruffle feathers of those I am related to. Even though I don’t even share this blog on any of my personal social media sites, I still was hesitant. The last time i blogged opening up about having hurt feelings and feeling like I wasn’t good enough, it caused a lot of harsh words being sent my way. And ironically being told that I wasn’t good enough compared to someone else in the family. Sadly I have learned that I’m not allowed to express when I’m hurt or allowed to speak up. So most of the time I stay a quiet little fly on the wall, blending in with the wallpaper. Because putting myself out there with people who are supposed to love me unconditionally only gets me swatted at. Do I sound pretty insecure? Dang right I am. I don’t like feeling this way, but I have my entire life…

Growing up I always heard people talking about me, and what I would be when I got older. Most of the time it was people telling this to my mother. She was a single mom, and people seemed to think she needed to hear the statistics on single parent kids. And these were her own siblings. And often, they did it with me sitting right there. I grew up hearing how I would be a wild child, into drugs and alcohol, get pregnant young the list goes on and on. And then often I would hear praises and praises on a cousin. Oh she was perfect… didn’t get into trouble, had perfect grades, you name it… If I acheived anything, the topic was somehow brought back to my cousin. My aunt would brag about her straight A report card and then look at my mother like she was expecting the same report, knowing I struggled in school. Once I even heard that with my grades I probably would never go to college anyways. I was 10 at the time… I’ve struggled with depression over the years, and on bad days I can still hear those little digs and statistical facts wrapped in pretend packages of people just looking out for us wanting us to know what we were up against….

I never felt like I was really good enough. And that it was expected that I wouldn’t amount to much. And it hurt, people thinking I didn’t have a future, almost as if I didn’t deserve one just because I came from a single parent home. I ended up with this silent resolve to prove them wrong. School just clicked one day for me and I became an honor student with no effort. I could have done better but I didn’t have the time to dedicate to my studies, I was also working as many hours as I could as a teenager. I was never in trouble with the police, or at school. I wasn’t a wild rebellious girl. Of course I’m not sure how I proved them wrong, as they weren’t in our lives by then. My mother had enough of the backstabbing and stupid fights and such so by time I hit highschool we weren’t in contact with any of her family. I had limited contact with my paternal family as they were all so far away, but at least with them I didn’t feel so inadequate. Unfortunately I didn’t have them around in my younger years, as I didn’t know my father until I was older and even he didn’t want me when it made him look better he claimed me, and then denied me when he thought it would justify him abandoning me.

Getting pregnant my senior year was a monumental failure for me. I felt like I ended up just proving everyone right, that I wasn’t better than that. I was far from promiscious, but I felt like I had the label of whore written under my name. I struggle even over a decade later with reconnections with relatives. I watch these bonds with others growing deeper with people I used to be close to, but it was I was set aside, expected to always be there. I watched when other people’s world fell apart, how supportive everyone was, and when mine started crumbling all I could hear were crickets. I put myself out there, I allowed people to vent and confide in me, I was a shoulder to lean on and then when I wobbled I was discarded.

I struggle deeply with my sense of belonging in any group. I do think it goes back to the first place I felt like I didn’t belong, my own family. The one place you are supposed to feel loved and accepted and worthy.  This is a hard thing to work on. It doesn’t control my every single day existence, but on bad days, it can be consuming. It puts me in a place where I am scared to put myself out there. In both my personal life, and my professional life. It is something that needed to change, and I think opening up about the heartache and origins of where I have these scars from, it can hopefully make it easier to let go. After all, once you take the lid off a bottle, it is easier to empty it. One day at a time.

I don’t think this is why I’m overweight. My depression does play into it, but I think there are many factors in my weight problem, and I want to hold myself more accountable rather than just blaming all my problems on a less than stellar childhood. I’m an adult and I know better in my diet, and I know what I need to be doing now. I think really one of my biggest issues is I am unmotivated in too many aspects of my life, including making real significant long term changes. I let things set me back. I guess sometimes I also think well I’m not good enough chubby or skinny so why does it matter. And the bigger I have gotten the more insecure about myself and if I am good enough. So I guess it does cycle around some. I have plans to make significant changes here pretty soon, and I hope all in all things start looking better for me. I think in ways I have hit rock bottom with my anxiety, insecurity, and my body image. Lets start climbing back up! Claw my way out of this hole for sure.