The Accident

The moment of panic,
Perhaps one beer too many,
The screech of tires,
A midnight ringing telephone,
A lifetime that flashes
Through so many eyes,
Glass shattered and scattered,
Hearts breaking in the night,
A scream before the end,
A child crying out,
For every drop of blood
A tear falls to match,
Goodbyes now that
Can never be said

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Finding My Voice

Deep inside of me
There is a girl I know,
Yet she is a stranger
All of you will not see,
I find myself screaming out
But unable to find my voice,
I dream in shades of gray
In a world seemingly fantasy,
My name up in lights,
Or a little house painted white,
A life safe and settled
Or wild and carefree,
Anything that I already see
Is the life I dream I can be,
My soul has been held prisoner
To the lack of love of the
One I gave my heart to long ago,
I bite my tongue
And forget my dreams
For a fragile maybe from his lips,
Sometimes he promises
The life I’ve always yearned,
Sometimes he pretends to know
But in truth we are clueless,
I must reach down deep
And find the girl I should have been,
The one who lose her voice
That day she met you,
You and me, we make sense
But I cannot wait around on love
And on dreams that have yet to come through,
I am finding my voice
Shouting out and singing a new song,
I am finding my dream
Wishing on a new star,
I wish you could come with me
As I venture forth to find
The girl I should have been,
But while I am finding my voice
The world we knew has muted
Faded from my heart,
Though I am out there
Finding my voice,
I will always remember you

Training For June

I hopped on my stationary bike yesterday and plugged out 10 miles. Go me. But I’m feeling it in my knee today. I’m riding to raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June and I want to be able to chug out some mileage. Prove people wrong that this chunky butt can do 100+ miles in a month. Of course there’s a difference with stationary and traditional bikes. I can’t coast any or the mileage on my stationary and gravity and terrain is a force to ride against on the traditional. 

But I’m going to do this. Surprise a few ppl on the way. Hopefully lose a few pounds too. 

Unfortunately I have to go to work here soon and babysit a new girl who really should have been able to work solo by now. So being on my feet doesn’t sound appealing but I will get through. 

Disappointed in Myself 

Here it is almost Easter and I feel like I’m in a deep rut. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I hate the person I see. I feel like I failed my son. Sometimes my mother digs at me and it even feels like she blames everything on me like why my son doesn’t really have a father. He walked out on me pregnant. And played me so many times over the years. He knows my heart hasn’t moved on. And it’s like he’s OK spending time with me but not our son and it makes me feel worse. But it’s completely my fault in her eyes. And how can one’s confidence not crack when their own mother acts like as a parent you’ve failed. 

I was supposed to be at a new job. In a new house me and my son. I’m supposed to be able to take care of him to stand on my own two feet and be responsible. But not finding a job is tearing down at me. I can’t afford the gas to drive 45 minutes one way every day for wages that nobody is offering for the few qualifications I have. 

I know I need help. An antidepressant is probably what I need. I’ve been off them for 5 years but I feel like I’m drowning here. I can’t get help without insurance and the hotel doesn’t offer benefits. And I don’t qualify for state assistance even as a single mom because I live with her. My son’s insurance that child support required his dad to get has a ten grand deductible so it’s useless. I can’t even go into low income housing because I couldn’t afford both the rent and my truck payment on this income because having a reliable vehicle is a luxury. I signed the loan before I ever would have guessed I’d end up moving here for noble but naive reasons. I was stable financially 2 yrs ago and never thought I’d be struggling this hard to survive. 

I feel… Stuck. Driving to work I actually debated if I should stop paying on the truck and have it reposessed and my credit destroyed just so I can afford to take a low wage job since nobody else seems willing to hire me and go find a low income apartment which I fought so hard to get out of 8 years ago never wanting to go back. How low have I sunk that I’m that desperate. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and not be torn down especially for decisions I had no control over my son’s father making over the last 13 years. I try. I don’t argue. I try to be there for him. I don’t push. We do well for about a week at a time and then he just ignores us again. He hasn’t even noticed his child refers to him by name and not Dad and hasn’t even tried texting him in 4 months. 

I need a break. I need my sanity back. 

The Great Cycle Challenge

linkcyclechallenge

Rarely do I get a chance to participate in great causes. I have looked at the walks and such done for various causes but either due to my own health limitations or work obligations I have never been able to join. What I loved about this was not only is it for a great cause, because it is, I love that it is on my own schedule. I can participate out on the trails or sitting at home on my stationary bike. It is a way to get my son involved in something good. I feel we need to find ways to give back even if we don’t have money in our pockets we can still take an action to make things better for our fellow man, woman, and in this case child. Actions speak louder than words, so I am hoping in the month of June I will have over a hundred miles of action done to encourage people to contribute and help fight against childhood cancer.

If you are interested in donating towards this cause, please consider donating under my name. You can donate as little or as much as you would like. Every donation be it only five dollars is appreciated because it adds up quickly across the nation. Please click the link to see my page. Any miles I put in between now and June do not count towards the challenge so I am not sure if I will update mileage until it starts, but know I am very serious about this cause.

Remembering Bits of Me

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did. I was looking for a possible old blog of mine and instead I found a different reminder of an old part of myself that I have lost over the years. I found images I had created. I used to be really into digital art. This was before I started focusing all of my being on photography. I remember I always felt like these images while were good, and I loved the creative process, but I felt like they weren’t really good enough. There were way better artists out there. But looking back on them now, the time and vision spent on them blows me away. They are beautiful, and I just didn’t see it then. Who knows maybe I will get back into digital art here soon. I feel like it has been so long I am going to have to relearn everything in the Fractal Art scene, but if I could walk away feeling like I created something, that would be a great hobby to find again. I thought I would share with you a bit of a peak into a lost bit of my soul from a long time ago.

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The Man Who Used To Be

Maybe its silly that I’m thinking of you,
At a moment like this I remember the bliss,
Then reality comes crashing down
Until there’s nothing left but me and an empty room,
Maybe I’m going crazy
‘Cuz when I look at you,
I think of the man who
Could have – should have been,
Now you’re only the man
Who used to be… my best friend,
Where has this life brought us
We’ve come so far just to lose it all,
I can’t stand aside to watch you throw it all away,
Though it pains me so I’m walking the other way,
Someday you’ll turn to reach for me
And find that I’m no longer there,
One day I just realized I can’t live in this despair,
I’ve wasted years waiting for you,
Perhaps you had no intention of coming back
But yet you wouldn’t let me go,
But now I’m pulling away even if you can’t see,
I waited far too long for a friend who will never be,
If I stay by your side
You’ll drag me down into darkness,
And though I will walk away
I promise I’ll not forget,
For when I close my eyes
Its your face I see,
Someday you’ll turn to reach for me
And find that I’m no longer there,
For you’ve become the man
who used to be…

 

I hadn’t planned on incorporating poetry into this blog, but heck it is my personal blog so really I don’t have to follow any rules. I used to write all the time. I had journals full of poems on every subject. They were my coping mechanism to deal with every emotional from highs to lows.  This one, well it was lingering in my mind so I thought I would share it.