Dream’s End

Where will I be
When this dream ends?
Will it have come true
Or faded away with time?
Can I hold tight to the vision
When the world turns the other way?
I can only hope when
I reach Dream’s End
All my aspirations will satisfy
No matter the outcome of each fancy,
May the healing waters give me peace,
May all the desires and designs be reborn,
Be it a nightmare or a passion
All dreams must soon come to an end,
Who will I be
When I find myself at Dream’s End?

Training For The Great Cycle Challenge

I bought my first bike in 20 years. I literally have not ridden a traditional bike since I was 11/12. Yes you can do the math I’m 31.5 yrs old. I’m also about a hundred pounds heavier than I was then. I was a tiny little thing. I’m a little old and heavy to be entering a physical challenge but then again that is kind of the point, I am so out of shape that I need to challenge myself physically. 

I am proud to say I’ve made it around our diet driveway without an accident. It was considerably more difficult to pedal across the grass. But my cruiser bike was designed for concrete not off reading. 

I don’t know about doing 10 mile rides like I do on my stationary bike but I am going to work at building up so I can at least get a few miles in each day in June. My goal is 101 miles and I’m riding in memory of a beautiful little girl who cancer took before her 2nd birthday. Hopefully I can raise some money for the Children’s Cancer Fund. 

The Accident

The moment of panic,
Perhaps one beer too many,
The screech of tires,
A midnight ringing telephone,
A lifetime that flashes
Through so many eyes,
Glass shattered and scattered,
Hearts breaking in the night,
A scream before the end,
A child crying out,
For every drop of blood
A tear falls to match,
Goodbyes now that
Can never be said

So This Is What I’ve Been Up To

Did I mention I suck at blogging. Well the longevity of my blogs are what typically fails.  I love to write, but personal blogs, well sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think who the heck wants to read that dribble.

The end of April has been eventful and dull all the same time. I am sincerely hoping May is my month. SO! What have I been up to? Obviously I am about to tell you <insert laugh>!

I did get the new job. I get to be the person who can’t understand your accent when you call customer service for (that company who decided to hire me). But my official title is a Representative. So I am going to go with that. I am a Rep for Blank Company. I don’t start until the 8th. They pushed my training back because the other person they hired couldn’t start yet. So I am stuck with a week of no employment between my two jobs. But I guess it gives me a week to get turned around to a schedule where I have to get up at 6AM instead of getting ready for bed at that hour. Good right?

I am officially opening my studio on the 1st. Although I guess technically it is not a studio as I am basically working out of my bedroom and whatever location people ask their pictures to be taken. Yep, I am a photographer. I’ve done this before, but things just took a bad turn for me in my personal life so this is my grand ReOpening I guess. I am more invested in it because I plan to try to set down roots here, and before when I lived in Iowa, before Oklahoma, I always had one foot out the door. I was miserable and not vested in sticking around. I tell you, it sucks getting everything all legal and pretty again. Just posting my Doing Business As in the paper costs 4x as much as filing my certificate with the state. Kinda jenky. They need to allow for online legal publications that don’t charge so much. Anyways, I am nervous as heck. I don’t know as many people in the area so I really need to work my tush off to stand out. I don’t expect to get rich. Shoot I doubt I will even break even this year. But that is normal with any new business.

I’m on a new supplement that is supposed to be a cure all. I think maybe it is snake oil in a pretty mint flavor. My anxiety is about normal. I think it is more I have little to fuss over and that is why I am not as anxious. My digestive system is why I started it and I don’t feel any better there. Although I have not had a migraine in the last few weeks, so maybe? I will have a big blog entry about my review of the stuff coming up in a week or so.

Did I mention I found a winning Powerball Ticket and I am going to the Bahamas? Oh wait no that was just a dream. Would be nice huh?

I bought my son a new bike. I don’t know if it is because I just have short legs or if it is because I have not been on a traditional bike in 20 years, but needless to say I could not even pedal. I need to get on it. I couldn’t fit my bike in my SUV so I am buying it this week. I am training for the Great Cycle Challenge so I can raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June, and I want to prove people wrong about me. That I can do things, and this chubby butt of mine CAN do over 100 miles in a month. I can on a stationary bike, so hopefully it is not too hard learning to ride a real bike again.

Well thats me in a nutshell. Theres other things of course but out of respect for others I have to keep mum. But things are getting better in the family and community.

Lots of Love, Holly

Finding My Voice

Deep inside of me
There is a girl I know,
Yet she is a stranger
All of you will not see,
I find myself screaming out
But unable to find my voice,
I dream in shades of gray
In a world seemingly fantasy,
My name up in lights,
Or a little house painted white,
A life safe and settled
Or wild and carefree,
Anything that I already see
Is the life I dream I can be,
My soul has been held prisoner
To the lack of love of the
One I gave my heart to long ago,
I bite my tongue
And forget my dreams
For a fragile maybe from his lips,
Sometimes he promises
The life I’ve always yearned,
Sometimes he pretends to know
But in truth we are clueless,
I must reach down deep
And find the girl I should have been,
The one who lose her voice
That day she met you,
You and me, we make sense
But I cannot wait around on love
And on dreams that have yet to come through,
I am finding my voice
Shouting out and singing a new song,
I am finding my dream
Wishing on a new star,
I wish you could come with me
As I venture forth to find
The girl I should have been,
But while I am finding my voice
The world we knew has muted
Faded from my heart,
Though I am out there
Finding my voice,
I will always remember you

Behind the Door

A wooden door
Stands before,
Blocking the way in,
Keeping the outside world
Unable to cross the threshold,
This door also
Locks in the cries of anguish,
The light creeps
Through the corners,
Beckoning from a life unknown,
What lays beyond this door
That guards my heart,
What lays beyond the walls
That guard my soul,
What lays beyond this life
That I have lived so long,
A jumble of keys
Surely one must fit,
One step out to feel
The sunshine upon my skin,
One moment to take in
A breath of air fresh,
One step out this door
To a new life

Training For June

I hopped on my stationary bike yesterday and plugged out 10 miles. Go me. But I’m feeling it in my knee today. I’m riding to raise money for the Children’s Cancer Fund in June and I want to be able to chug out some mileage. Prove people wrong that this chunky butt can do 100+ miles in a month. Of course there’s a difference with stationary and traditional bikes. I can’t coast any or the mileage on my stationary and gravity and terrain is a force to ride against on the traditional. 

But I’m going to do this. Surprise a few ppl on the way. Hopefully lose a few pounds too. 

Unfortunately I have to go to work here soon and babysit a new girl who really should have been able to work solo by now. So being on my feet doesn’t sound appealing but I will get through. 

Job Offer

For those who have been following me, you know I’ve been struggling to find a new job. It’s been rough. For those who might be new long story short: I need a new job full-time days so my son and I can get our own place to live. Finding something that would cover rent and car payments plus actually having a few dollars to buy a few groceries has been a battle. 

Today I  was offered the job I interviewed for last week. I was pretty sure after not hearing back within days I was just out of luck not being considered. Unfortunately they offered less than I was told on my phone interview with human resources but it’s still more than the bare minimum I was willing to accept. 

So I guess tomorrow I give my notice. I hate quitting jobs. I need to provide for my family and I need benefits. I just feel bad about leaving them. I will enjoy having a normal sleep schedule though! 

My Autism Awareness Thoughts

It seems Autism Awareness Month has already lost its momentum. I live Autism every day. My son is at one end of the Spectrum and I have friends whose children are at the opposite end and several along the middle. And all of our children are wonderful worthy individuals no matter what society rules of normal is. 

I don’t support Autism Speaks because their employees are getting rich off spouting statistics from families like ours. And then do really very little to help. 

If you really want to make a difference, teach your children about it. Educate them so they don’t grow up to be bullies or look the other way when our kids are picked on for being weird. Teach them to include everyone. Believe me this makes way more difference than some of these charities that pay their ranking employees more than what goes to research and awareness. 

If you want to donate look for local charities that help families in need. Because Autism can get pretty spendy for struggling families. 

And now I shall climb off my soap box.

A Face From The Past

Do you remember me?
I would suppose not,
I’m only a face from the past,
A friend from years ago,
My story is not forgotten
But do you know the truth?
I was that girl who
Shared her best friend’s name,
I was the one
Who moved back and forth,
The last time was different
For I seemed to disappear,
I’m no longer that girl,
She stayed behind as a ghost
Haunting dreams and memories,
When I disappeared
I was nobody,
Now that I’m found
I’ve become somebody,
Do you remember me?
I’m only a face from the past